Pride: I Wish I Never Came Out

I came out on my blog publicly on my blog May 19, 2008. I wish I never came out.

This past weekend was the yearly Pride celebration around most parts of the world. It’s a time where the LGBT community is supposed to come together to celebrate; celebrate our fellow members, the rights we’ve won, the bonds we share, and love. This is a sham! No one in the LGBT community has love in their hearts, but rather are fueled by hatred and live to tear the community apart.

Before I came out I would meet fellow LGBT members by driving 100 miles each way from Tampa Bay over to Orlando, Florida on the weekends. I thought that I was safe there and around people who shared my thoughts and values. Little did I know that it seemed greener on the other side, but that’s the sales technique they use to draw you in so that they can chew you up and spit you out.

I can’t even begin to write out every single horrific thing that members of the LGBT community have done to me since I decided to live my life out and in public. Coming out was the worse decision I have ever made. I’ve had death threats, been physically assaulted, spit on, mocked, laughed at, been lied, been the target of an organization whose sole purpose was to get me out of Seattle, had my family’s private information (address, names, phone numbers) published, been stalked, almost filed a few different restraining orders, and physically been manhandled by mobs of my fellow LGBT members and thrown out onto the street. I don’t want to be a part of a community with so much hatred. There is no love. It doesn’t get better. The LGBT community is filled and fueled by hatred.

I came out while living in San Francisco, CA. I remember that not too terribly long into living there and making what I thought were friends, I let a friend in on what was one of the biggest things to ever happen to me. I let him in and told him because I felt I could trust him and that he had gone thru the same experience. I told him in the strictest of confidences only to find out the next day that everyone I knew had been told by him and people would use that against me for the rest of my life.

When I moved to Seattle from San Francisco, I was told by several people that there were Craigslist posts warning the residents about me. When I came here, I was instantly greeted by others who had been told by their friends half truths and flat out lies about me and my past. Within the first week being here there was already people messaging every single person I befriended or tagged on Facebook attempting to warn them against being my friend. Almost a year after living here, Brian moved to Seattle and people were still messaging the new people in my life about me. They warned Brian and thank God he was one of the only people who decided to make up his own mind and get to know the real me. We got married last month and he’s made me happier than I ever expected I could be.

This past weekend was the yearly Pride celebration. When I moved to SF I didn’t even know what it was or anything about it, but I wanted to be a part of it. I thought I wanted to be a part of this community, so I started to try to fit in. I began by dropping weight. A little over 40 pounds between January and June 2008. I did have what I thought at the time was a good time, but a year later was stricken with depression so bad that I ended up in the hospital the day before Pride 2009. It was members of my community who drove me to feel so badly about myself. The worst part of it all is that nearly every single time someone has formed an opinion of me is because of something I’ve said on social media.

Last time I went to R Place, a gay club in Seattle, was June 22, 2012 to see Latrice Royale, Jujubee, and Jessica Wild, 3 drag queens who had appeared on RuPaul’s Drag Race. We bought VIP tickets, sat and had a great time. Gave some money to the drag queens as they paraded up and down the isle. Minded our business and had a great time. Never have I had an issue there, caused a scene, been out of line, or violated any rule or law therein. The next time Brian and I went we were told we weren’t allowed. No reason was given. We came back 2 years later assuming that time had passed and there was no reason that we had given in the past at the venue to not be allowed in. We went in and within moments were rushed by security and thrown out. Came back the next day to speak with the owner and he told us that he had no reason as to not allow us in, he just didn’t want us at his establishment. Love is love. LGBT inclusive. No hate allowed the sign says at R Place, yet for no reason we aren’t allowed to celebrate with our LGBT brothers and sisters.

Neighbours Nightclub in Seattle, another LGBT club was one of the places that I would frequent nearly nightly when I first moved to Seattle. Unfortunately one of the people who worked there, Chris Beisenherz, started what he called Project GNOOS aka Project Get Nick Out Of Seattle. I went to go to Neighbours for a friend’s wedding reception which was being hosted there and turned away at the door, to this private event I was invited to, by the general manager who refused to give me any reason as to why, only that it was his right as a private business. There had not been an incident involving myself which would ever justify this.

The past few weeks I made a joke online, it didn’t go over well. It was a joke that was the entire purpose of it. Not malice, not hate, just to make people laugh. Some people did and messaged me that they were able to see thru and find the humor. A lot more didn’t.

It was 108 characters. This past week because of those 108 characters, I wasn’t allowed at @Purr Cocktail Lounge. A bar where on my first day moving to Seattle I sat with friends (from SF) and watched President Obama announce they had killed Bin Laden. A bar where I had been to and spent upwards of $4k a year at at one point. A bar where Brian and I signed our marriage certificate on our wedding night. A bar where I was supposed to be part of the community members the bar was meant to be there and serve. All because some people can’t take a joke.

Shortly after I move to Seattle I met Michael Sean John Jouver and his drag persona DonnaTelle Howe. We saw each other a few times and I spent the night a few times at his place. Nothing further came of it, but ever since then he’s come out against me both online and in person. This past weekend we, Brian and I, went to a Pride event. We were quiet and sat by ourselves keeping quite and peaceful. Brian went up to get us a drink and the manager came over and asked us to leave. DonnaTelle began inciting the crowd shouting about not wanting me there, shouting lies and misinformation about me. She riled the crowd up so much so that they literally backed me into a corner and began assaulting me. Stealing my phone, and eventually picking me up and throwing me out onto the street.

This is my community right? The one I so loudly and at the time proudly came out and stated I was a part of. The same community which has now left me lying on the street and moments ago were about to punch the life out of me. Why would anyone want to be part of this sort of mob?

The manager said that, “Wherever you go, Nick, that an incident happens and I don’t want one here.” There was no incident which I would had caused. I was there for an event and to enjoy myself with my husband. We were quiet and didn’t cause a scene. The manager and DonnaTelle are the ones who riled the crowd up, who most didn’t know anything about me. They were the ones who caused a mob scene and forced me into a corner, literally, where I was about to be beaten to a pulp. Don’t blame me for the incident which you started. I was there for a good time and to quietly enjoy the night.

I noticed as well as others that the local LGBT bars don’t march in the parades. They charge huge cover charges all weekend long for the same service they provide year round, but they don’t participate in any of the Pride day official events themselves. In a world post Pulse Orlando, LGBT nightclub, incident you would think that other clubs and bars would be out with a visible message that they stand with us and celebrate LGBT Pride. Nope, they are busy counting how much extra money they made in the past 72 hours. These venues are not what we should want as part of our LGBT community. They exclude the members of the community on a whim and don’t ever give reasons why. How can you exclude the people who WANT to spend money at your venue and have never done a single thing to justify non-admittance?

I remember a time in San Francisco where there was a video screen where you could tweet messages that would show up on the screen. People began tweeting hateful, hurtful, things about me. The things were available on the company’s website as well. Fortunately I was able to get them removed by messaging the management, but the damage was done and I ran out and home. My night was ruined and the damage was done.

I’ve been bombard with people saying how they want to curb stomp me, deck me, hit me, punch me in the glasses, and even kill me for YEARS. Every single one of these messages has come with within the LGBT community which I am supposed to call my family.

 

 

 

Jeremie Wallis – Dangerous, Kidnapper, Bitter, Undermining, and Jealous

Jeremie WallisI’ve been in the national news cycle a few times in the past year, that’s no secret. There are always people who come out of the woodwork with comments both negative and positive. I want to focus on my particular person, Jeremie Wallis. From what I’m told my boyfriend/partner/lover Brian is friends with Jeremie and picked him up from the airport when Brian moved from Alaska in March of 2012. Every time that I’ve been in the news Jeremie comes out to post comments to Facebook on how he wishes he could save Brian from me and undermines our relationship. It’s disgusting that someone who doesn’t even know me other than what he reads online undermines the love I have for Brian. It’s disgusting and I’m sick of being silent about it.

Here is where Jeremie Wallis again suggests that he should had kidnapped Brian by drugging him until Brian loved him.

jeremie2

Here Jeremie Wallis is stating how I am a terrible waste of existence and how it breaks his heart that Brian is with me (and not him)

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Here he suggests that I should kill myself by jumping off a bridge …

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This man is dangerous, a potential kidnapper, bitter, undermining, and jealous. How dare you try to undermine what I have built with Brian, a person you call your friend. You are one who needs to be saved from. No one should have a friend who treats their friend’s partnership with such disgust. Adrian_Ryan_-__addidasisnotspanx__glasshole___DIAF

I suggest that Brian file a restraining order against this scary person who has expressed kidnapping and drugging thoughts towards Brian. Jeremie Wallis is dangerous! Be warned!

Here is a live version of Facebook where his comment is still up! These are not photoshop as this demented person is trying to claim.

Turning Your Lights on with Google Glass

HA779_AV2 (1)Last Christmas I asked my parents for one thing, the Philips Hue lighting system to which they replied, “$200 for 3 bulbs?!?! We’ll give you a gift card to Apple instead.” Fortunately the Apple store was the exclusive retailer for this new lighting system. 8 months later and we now have 7 bulbs, a LightStrips, and Bloom light all which tie into our Philips Hue system. Oh we also have an iPod touch mounted to the wall running the iOS app 24/7 for easy access to the various light recipes. Needless to say we love the system and the ability to control our lights from anyway, and even have our own light recipe which turns on automatically when we come home, when it rains, and at sundown. Cool stuff!

Enter Google Glass. Now there isn’t an official app for Philips Hue yet for Glass, but both systems can speak to IFTTT, a service where one event triggers another on different services. In this case, a text message to IFTTT triggers the Philips Hue lights to turn on/off or start a new light recipe.

To set this all up on IFTTT activate the SMS channel and the Philips Hue channel. This would also work with the Belkin WeMo channel as well if you have those light switches. Now add IFTTT as a contact on MyGlass with the sms number provided from IFTTT. Now simply say, “Ok Glass… Send a message to IFTTT… ” and then based on which IFTTT recipe you activated say the action. Here are a few great examples of texts to say to Glass and what actions occur (note you must say the word hashtag which Glass will resolve to #) :

https://ifttt.com/recipes/97572 – “… #HueOn” or specifically say, “hashtag hueon” to turn the lights  you chooseor all lights on.

https://ifttt.com/recipes/99316 – “…#off” to turn off all lights.

https://ifttt.com/recipes/111843 – “…#movie” to dim all lights to 20% for movie time.

https://ifttt.com/recipes/109384 – “…#hue <color>” where the color is whatever color you want all the lights to change to.

https://ifttt.com/recipes/93711 – “…#DanceParty” (my personal favorite) to start a color loop with all the lights.

There are a lot more recipes which exist and even more that you can create for yourself. So have fun… We might not have flying cars or self lacing shoes, but you can start a dance party at home with your heads up display!

*As a note this guide relies on SMS which Google Glass currently only supports through MyGlass Android app. You could follow all the same instructions with an email channel on IFTTT for use with an iOS device or Glass on Wifi instead of SMS & Android. 

One Year Seattleversary

It was one year ago … this very minute that I checked into my new home in Seattle, Washington. I lived in San Francisco for 3 years, 7 months, 9 days after moving there on September 22, 2007.

I’m glad that I moved to Seattle, and have enjoyed my time here. I am now back working full time for a major internet company making more than I ever have, am busy nearly every night with events with friends, and even host a weekly party at my place where my friends and I get together for drinks and sometimes games. I even experienced snow for the first time in my life!

I also have a TON more space than any place I lived while in San Francisco, and for the first time since living in Florida have my own bathroom! … I even have my own home bar that I’ve started as a pet project that I’m really enjoying…and in the next day or so, it will even show up on Google Maps!

I am so thankful for all my friends and opportunities moving to a new city has afforded me. In moving here I planned to be here for 10 years, then hopefully back to San Francisco or who knows where… so here’s to one amazing year down… 9 more to go!

Matthew Lush (@MatthewLush) Suggests Gays Commit Suicide

Matthew Lush, ‘An Internet celebrity who is also known as “gay god” (Urban Dictionary),’ in his most recent YouTube video titled Gay Talk UNCENSORED (at 4:46) was asked if he found himself married in a couple years. Matthew Lush goes on to reply that while he would like to be married by 25. Lush goes on to say, “I don’t want to be like 30 and alone because that would be really sad and I would just want to kill myself.Matthew Lush, I am 30 and alone… should I kill myself?

Start video at 4 minutes 47 seconds.

I grew up in a very Christian household, and thus felt I couldn’t be my true self when I was living there, and even after moving out. I was deathly afraid that if I went a gay bar someone might recognize me and it get back to my family and friends. I created a fake name when trying to meet guys locally. I even would drive over 100 miles each way from the Tampa Bay area to Orlando, Florida to go to gay clubs because I was afraid. Afraid of coming out, afraid of who I was, afraid that it was a sin and I would spend eternity in hell.

Nick Starr suicide

Because of my upbringing and fears, I wasn’t able to come out until after I packed up and moved into my car and moved all the way to San Francisco. I still didn’t even feel comfortable coming out until after living here 7 months. Finally May 19, 2008, when I was 27 (and a half) years old, I finally felt free enough to come out to not just myself, but family, friends, followers, anyone and everyone.

Because of this, I had a late start in terms of dating. I wasn’t married by 25 as Matthew Lush wishes he was, and find myself a 30 year old gay man living in one of the gayest cities in the world, San Francisco, and I’m not only single, but also have never even had a second date. I also have a vast history of depression, and suicidal ideations and even attempts. Hell someone even wrote a paper on my mental breakdowns as part of their doctorate. So, Matthew Lush, how is advocating a gay man at age 30 who is unmarried / partnered / single to kill himself in any way beneficial?

Matthew Lush is an advocate of gay suicide. He himself said that he would kill himself. So, Matthew Lush, would you like to drive me to the Golden Gate Bridge so that I can kill myself? I’m sure someone will return the favor on your 30th birthday if you are single.

#ItGetsWorse

(Images courtesy of Feast of Fun and BeforeiForget respectively)

The Stalker's Demands

Last night the stalker messaged me and I spoke with him or “they/we” via text for a little bit. They suggest they would stop if I met 3 demands….

  • 1) I remove the previous blog entry about “them”
  • 2) Publicly disclose items on social media sites which would defame my character
  • 3) Have sex with people I was a “jerk to” when I was at Steamworks (a gay sex club) and/or on Grindr.

This last claim is absolutely ridiculous, and also leads me to believe that apparently this person(s) is someone(s) that I didn’t sleep with, rejected, or even told off when they tried to advance on me sexually in a way I didn’t want. That might not be the case and I might be way off, but either way this person is disturbing and is the textbook definition of a stalker:

one who proceeds in a steady, deliberate, or sinister manner

That being said here is the conversation last night with this twisted individual. I had previously removed the Google Voice number this person was using to text me from, but I am again posting it. If you wish to say something to this person, please send a text to 415-449-0626. This is a Google Voice number and doesn’t seem to be attached to a phone, so only texting or leaving a voice mail will get through to the person(s).

Your Mom's Box

Famous last words of Opie and Anthony before they were kicked off the air … and a fitting title for this post. I’ve been in the social media “spotlight” every since the beginning days of podcasting back in 2004. I’ve had almost every aspect of my life discussed online…and in almost every case there were negative people bashing me and going out of their way to try to hurt me.

I’ve had:

  • My parents phone number listed on forums where people would call non-stop,
  • I had people fax naked pictures into my place of employment,
  • call my phone so much that I had to change my number a few times…and someone who worked for the cellular company I was with kept giving out my new number to these “haters.”
  • I had 2 of my tires slashed while waiting in line for the first iPhone.
  • I had people call up and pretend to have a job lined up for me when I was thinking of moving (thank God I didn’t fall for that one).
  • I had people anonymously (oh and that is the BIGGEST THING…is that they ALWAYS are anonymous…when I put my entire life online, you have to hide behind your fake username, email address, etc) email my place of work threatening to never go to the establishment again because they employed a homeless person like myself, when I was saving for my surgery.
  • I even have had someone call up the IRS and submit fake documentation that I was cheating on my taxes.

Most recently a few people have been texting me with personal information about my family, and myself. Here are the transcripts of the text messages being sent from a Google Voice number, once again showing the cowardice of the person hiding behind the anonymity of the internet.

As you can see the harassment has been non-stop and gotten worse over the years. I don’t need it, I didn’t ask for it, and I haven’t done a single thing like this to anyone else. The phone number I listed above is the FIRST time I’ve ever publicly given out information about another person who. I don’t even give phone numbers to mutual friends who ask me for them.

I am sick of this. I don’t know why people have all this extra time on their hands where they can sit around and try to fuck with me, but I am done with it. I am going to try to live my life for my self, and not for others. I want to try to back away from social media in a large role as I have been currently, and move into a more casual user. I am not going away forever, although that might be the best option right now. I just don’t want to have to deal with mean people any longer.

That all being said, there have been infinitely more positive people and friends I’ve made along the way, and feel free to keep in contact with me, thru DM or email, etc. It is just the people who are vindictive and evil who ruin it for everyone.

With all that being said….I’m out for a while….

Your Mom’s Box.

Update: It would seem as if the threatening has not stopped….This is what was texted last night:

Was It Worth It?

This is the question I get most often it would seem. Is it worth it? Are you happy with the results? Can I see?

Well first let me explain. The healing process for such invasive procedures like I got is lengthy. Full results aren’t instant. In fact most cosmetic surgeons will tell you that you will only see 90% of the final results 2 months after the procedure. I’m right at 3 weeks as of today, but I can tell you that I am happy.

While the results haven’t magically turned me into a skinny twink or anything, the surgeon was able to remove problem areas for me and I am quite happy.

I have to wear a compression garment for another few weeks, in order to make sure things stay in place, and heal properly. See with liposuction or any fat or skin removal, they have to remove the connection between the skin and muscle. This takes times to heal the connection and drain the fluid which resides in these areas.

My stomach is flatter than its ever been…I can look down and don’t see any excess bulging, whereas before right around my belly button I saw a mass of fat that simply wasn’t going away. Also my love handles are greatly curtailed, and I feel better when wearing jeans. My chest was another area where work was done, and while it isn’t completely flat, I am not as ashamed as I once was to show off my chest/torso.

All in all, I believe that the entire process was worth the end result. I again, still am not even close to finished healing. I still am in pain when touched, and still have stitches which occasionally cause me pain.

As far as can I see it? Hell no…I am still black/blue/yellow and every shade in between with bruises. I’m sure in time I will feel even more comfortable, but that isn’t going to happen until the bruising goes away.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and messages during my recovery, and an even bigger thanks to Michael Butler and his family for letting me stay with them before I returned to work a week after my procedure.

Nick/Tuck is TODAY!!!

Today is the day…I know that I said before that it was canceled, postponed indefinitely, etc….but today is the day. I found a surgeon who I feel more comfortable with than any other Doctor which I’ve spoke with. He understood my problem areas including my back, chest, stomach, etc. I am going to be starting surgery about the time this blog post hits.

If you want to send me some love/feedback/well wishes, etc please feel free to Twitter me (@NickStarr) or leave a message in the comments below. Thanks for everyone’s support in the months and months I’ve saved up for this. I’m so excited that the day is finally here!