One Year Seattleversary

It was one year ago … this very minute that I checked into my new home in Seattle, Washington. I lived in San Francisco for 3 years, 7 months, 9 days after moving there on September 22, 2007.

I’m glad that I moved to Seattle, and have enjoyed my time here. I am now back working full time for a major internet company making more than I ever have, am busy nearly every night with events with friends, and even host a weekly party at my place where my friends and I get together for drinks and sometimes games. I even experienced snow for the first time in my life!

I also have a TON more space than any place I lived while in San Francisco, and for the first time since living in Florida have my own bathroom! … I even have my own home bar that I’ve started as a pet project that I’m really enjoying…and in the next day or so, it will even show up on Google Maps!

I am so thankful for all my friends and opportunities moving to a new city has afforded me. In moving here I planned to be here for 10 years, then hopefully back to San Francisco or who knows where… so here’s to one amazing year down… 9 more to go!

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2012 Resolutions

First … happy new year to everyone.

My first and foremost resolution in 2012 is to: Get a job!

I’ve been unemployed for the enteritiy of 2011, and really want to get back to work and find something I enjoy doing. This is the most critical and important goal this year for me… mainly because if I don’t, I’ll end up on the streets… and I don’t want that again.

Second goal/resolution is to: Get below 150lbs and stay there

It’s no secret that my entire life I’ve struggled with my weight, and only in 2008 did I decide to do something about it. The lowest I’ve ever gotten is 146, but I had a personal trainer then… I’d like to get below 150lbs (a goal which I accomplished before moving to Seattle this past year), but also to stay below that mark. It is kinda cool when you are the gym weighing yourself, and you only have to put the 100lb weight plus the slider vs the 150 plus slider.

Third and this seems like it is a reoccuring theme in these resolution posts is: To find a guy to date

I’ve given up almost totally on finding a boyfriend…I just don’t ever see anyone caring for me or even liking me long term to want to be my boyfriend… so I’d settle for someone who I can go out on more than one date with… Still trying to break that “never been on a 2nd date” curse.

All in all, I’m looking forward to 2012. I hope you meet and excede the goals you have for yourself this year!

Merry Christmas

2011 is drawing to a close… I’ve made a lot of changes in my life… and am glad about each and every one of them.

It is now time to turn to 2012 with a renewed hope… There are a lot of things that I had hoped 2011 would bring me, like a job, a 2nd date and/or boyfriend, but alas these items still elude me.

I’m excited that 2012 will finally bring me a new job… it certainly better or I’m going to end up being homeless again…this time for REAL… So keep me and my future in your prayers and I’ll do the same for you.

I hope you have a great day with family, friends, loved ones, a Happy Christmas, and a joyous New Year.

Matthew Lush (@MatthewLush) Suggests Gays Commit Suicide

Matthew Lush, ‘An Internet celebrity who is also known as “gay god” (Urban Dictionary),’ in his most recent YouTube video titled Gay Talk UNCENSORED (at 4:46) was asked if he found himself married in a couple years. Matthew Lush goes on to reply that while he would like to be married by 25. Lush goes on to say, “I don’t want to be like 30 and alone because that would be really sad and I would just want to kill myself.Matthew Lush, I am 30 and alone… should I kill myself?

Start video at 4 minutes 47 seconds.

I grew up in a very Christian household, and thus felt I couldn’t be my true self when I was living there, and even after moving out. I was deathly afraid that if I went a gay bar someone might recognize me and it get back to my family and friends. I created a fake name when trying to meet guys locally. I even would drive over 100 miles each way from the Tampa Bay area to Orlando, Florida to go to gay clubs because I was afraid. Afraid of coming out, afraid of who I was, afraid that it was a sin and I would spend eternity in hell.

Nick Starr suicide

Because of my upbringing and fears, I wasn’t able to come out until after I packed up and moved into my car and moved all the way to San Francisco. I still didn’t even feel comfortable coming out until after living here 7 months. Finally May 19, 2008, when I was 27 (and a half) years old, I finally felt free enough to come out to not just myself, but family, friends, followers, anyone and everyone.

Because of this, I had a late start in terms of dating. I wasn’t married by 25 as Matthew Lush wishes he was, and find myself a 30 year old gay man living in one of the gayest cities in the world, San Francisco, and I’m not only single, but also have never even had a second date. I also have a vast history of depression, and suicidal ideations and even attempts. Hell someone even wrote a paper on my mental breakdowns as part of their doctorate. So, Matthew Lush, how is advocating a gay man at age 30 who is unmarried / partnered / single to kill himself in any way beneficial?

Matthew Lush is an advocate of gay suicide. He himself said that he would kill himself. So, Matthew Lush, would you like to drive me to the Golden Gate Bridge so that I can kill myself? I’m sure someone will return the favor on your 30th birthday if you are single.

#ItGetsWorse

(Images courtesy of Feast of Fun and BeforeiForget respectively)

Your Mom's Box

Famous last words of Opie and Anthony before they were kicked off the air … and a fitting title for this post. I’ve been in the social media “spotlight” every since the beginning days of podcasting back in 2004. I’ve had almost every aspect of my life discussed online…and in almost every case there were negative people bashing me and going out of their way to try to hurt me.

I’ve had:

  • My parents phone number listed on forums where people would call non-stop,
  • I had people fax naked pictures into my place of employment,
  • call my phone so much that I had to change my number a few times…and someone who worked for the cellular company I was with kept giving out my new number to these “haters.”
  • I had 2 of my tires slashed while waiting in line for the first iPhone.
  • I had people call up and pretend to have a job lined up for me when I was thinking of moving (thank God I didn’t fall for that one).
  • I had people anonymously (oh and that is the BIGGEST THING…is that they ALWAYS are anonymous…when I put my entire life online, you have to hide behind your fake username, email address, etc) email my place of work threatening to never go to the establishment again because they employed a homeless person like myself, when I was saving for my surgery.
  • I even have had someone call up the IRS and submit fake documentation that I was cheating on my taxes.

Most recently a few people have been texting me with personal information about my family, and myself. Here are the transcripts of the text messages being sent from a Google Voice number, once again showing the cowardice of the person hiding behind the anonymity of the internet.

As you can see the harassment has been non-stop and gotten worse over the years. I don’t need it, I didn’t ask for it, and I haven’t done a single thing like this to anyone else. The phone number I listed above is the FIRST time I’ve ever publicly given out information about another person who. I don’t even give phone numbers to mutual friends who ask me for them.

I am sick of this. I don’t know why people have all this extra time on their hands where they can sit around and try to fuck with me, but I am done with it. I am going to try to live my life for my self, and not for others. I want to try to back away from social media in a large role as I have been currently, and move into a more casual user. I am not going away forever, although that might be the best option right now. I just don’t want to have to deal with mean people any longer.

That all being said, there have been infinitely more positive people and friends I’ve made along the way, and feel free to keep in contact with me, thru DM or email, etc. It is just the people who are vindictive and evil who ruin it for everyone.

With all that being said….I’m out for a while….

Your Mom’s Box.

Update: It would seem as if the threatening has not stopped….This is what was texted last night:

Was It Worth It?

This is the question I get most often it would seem. Is it worth it? Are you happy with the results? Can I see?

Well first let me explain. The healing process for such invasive procedures like I got is lengthy. Full results aren’t instant. In fact most cosmetic surgeons will tell you that you will only see 90% of the final results 2 months after the procedure. I’m right at 3 weeks as of today, but I can tell you that I am happy.

While the results haven’t magically turned me into a skinny twink or anything, the surgeon was able to remove problem areas for me and I am quite happy.

I have to wear a compression garment for another few weeks, in order to make sure things stay in place, and heal properly. See with liposuction or any fat or skin removal, they have to remove the connection between the skin and muscle. This takes times to heal the connection and drain the fluid which resides in these areas.

My stomach is flatter than its ever been…I can look down and don’t see any excess bulging, whereas before right around my belly button I saw a mass of fat that simply wasn’t going away. Also my love handles are greatly curtailed, and I feel better when wearing jeans. My chest was another area where work was done, and while it isn’t completely flat, I am not as ashamed as I once was to show off my chest/torso.

All in all, I believe that the entire process was worth the end result. I again, still am not even close to finished healing. I still am in pain when touched, and still have stitches which occasionally cause me pain.

As far as can I see it? Hell no…I am still black/blue/yellow and every shade in between with bruises. I’m sure in time I will feel even more comfortable, but that isn’t going to happen until the bruising goes away.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and messages during my recovery, and an even bigger thanks to Michael Butler and his family for letting me stay with them before I returned to work a week after my procedure.

Nick/Tuck is TODAY!!!

Today is the day…I know that I said before that it was canceled, postponed indefinitely, etc….but today is the day. I found a surgeon who I feel more comfortable with than any other Doctor which I’ve spoke with. He understood my problem areas including my back, chest, stomach, etc. I am going to be starting surgery about the time this blog post hits.

If you want to send me some love/feedback/well wishes, etc please feel free to Twitter me (@NickStarr) or leave a message in the comments below. Thanks for everyone’s support in the months and months I’ve saved up for this. I’m so excited that the day is finally here!

Nexus One on AT&T

I wrote before about my problems returning my Nexus One phone, and while I didn’t find it to be the best phone on the market, it wasn’t HORRIFIC…I love my iPhone 3GS and mainly all of the apps that go along with having an iPhone…however, the iPad is coming out next month, and I’m going to get a 3G model. I’ll be able to run all my favorite iPhone apps on it, as well as the new fuller featured iPad apps…so…

Time for an experiment…I’m going to sell my iPhone 3GS on eBay, and purchase a new Nexus One for AT&T. I will have it in conjunction with my iPad, so I won’t lose all the great apps I’ve purchased since owning my iPhone. I am going to give it a full go…no safety net, no iPhone I can fall back on. Give the Android platform and Google a full go…for a few months that is.

Once Apple announces an updated iPhone, I will make my decision, and of course share that decision with you, on if I will upgrade to it, or keep the Nexus One. Stay tuned to my Twitter and here on my gripes, and

CANCELED: Nick/Tuck

If you follow me on Twitter (as you all should of course), you may have read yesterday where my surgeon canceled my upcoming, and when I say upcoming I mean the surgery was literally happening within 288 hours, surgery.

My medical Doctor here in San Francisco gave me a pre-surgery physical as my surgeon wanted. As I stated before on here, I have a health issue which ultimately will be the death of me. Its because I am not doing well based on my labs, that my Doctor decided to write a letter to the surgeon saying that while nothing may go wrong, my risk for infection could be greater, but may not be.

It’s because of this letter that the surgeon called me up expressing his concern with proceeding and said that I come back within 3-6 months if I am doing better at that time.

HERE’S HOW THIS COULD HAD GONE DIFFERENTLY:

My surgeon wanted to do the physical, but since I was having the procedure done in Florida, it was easier for me to have the physical in San Francisco. I will now be looking for a surgeon either within the San Francisco area, or go with my second, and more expensive choice, in Florida, but have them do the physical.

EVERY SINGLE DOCTOR I SPOKE WITH…and I believe I had 6 consultations with various Doctors said that my condition wouldn’t be an issue in performing the surgery, or recovery. It’s because of one gray-ly worded letter from my medical Doctor that this entire thing has been put on the shelf. BTW, I have already called my rep at Kaiser and asked for a change in Doctors. I never want to see the face of the man who made 7 months of sleeping on the streets all a waste.

I am not sure how I will proceed. I might look for an apartment, and just continue saving and hope in 3-6 months I am ‘better’ and able to have the surgery, but more likely I will continue living on the streets in order to save up the extra ~$3000-5,000 needed to have the surgery done with a different surgeon, keeping my medical Doctor out of the loop.

I WILL HAVE THIS SURGERY WITHIN THE NEXT 196 DAYS…I DON’T CARE IF I HAVE TO CUT MYSELF OPEN IN ORDER TO HAVE IT DONE, IT WILL BE DONE!