Vicious Circle

vCircle

Right now my life and the progression of it seems like it is stalled…its like this horrific vicious circle that I can’t get out of.

I can’t get a boyfriend, why?
Because I am fat and have loose skin whereas, why?
Because I lost a bunch of weight, but still don’t look like what I look like, why?
Because I can’t get a guy to go out with me or sleep with me more than once (and/or get a boyfriend), why?
… and so on and so on …

First let me remind you that I don’t subscribe to the whole “you can’t get someone to like you if you don’t like yourself first,” and I’ve detailed my thoughts on that here (so don’t even try to use that excuse).

Well I am breaking the circle. I am doing something about feeling better about myself, and how I look. That is why I am moving out of my apartment onto the streets of San Francisco in order to save up money for my surgery to get rid of the excess skin, fat and glands which are preventing me from looking like a normal citizen of the gay 20-something culture in San Francisco.

Do you agree? I doubt it, but look at it from my perspective. My 20’s are more going than coming these days. I’ve NEVER had a boyfriend, relationship with a guy, or so much as TWO dates with a guy who I liked or liked me. These are ALL things that every single person my age who I hang around with in SF have accomplished.

I see a fixable solution to my circle, and I am taking it. I am doing what needs to be done in order to accomplish my goals the fastest way I know. I’ve now had a few friends suggest that I sell my body for money in order to reach my goals faster. I don’t think they understand….I HATE MY BODY! My BODY has gotten me no where in terms of guys wanting to be with me after they see me nekkid once. Why on earth would someone pay to be with me, when I can’t even get someone to be with me more than once on my own?

Anyway, this is my decision. I am sticking to it for as long as I can. It is going to be a rough road ahead, but I look forward to looking back in a few months from now and realizing that the journey, no matter how rough, difficult, and unconventional it may be, will be worth it.

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2 thoughts on “Vicious Circle

  1. I wish you the best of luck and that you acomplish what you have set out to do. Of course you will keep us informed as best you can along the way 🙂

  2. Your body has nothing to do with the fact you can’t build a relationship. You unfortunately believe a connection will last based on looks and this comes across as immature and superficial. You’re a liability for a relationship because you’re a drama queen and your tweet feeds are filled with insecurity and self-hatred. Your “I’m on my way to kill myself from the bridge” messages are cries for attention and I don’t doubt anyone would find your lack of inner strength emotionally exhausting. Who’d want to take you in with your propensity toward drama. And if you’re even somewhat serious, who wants to come home to (or worry about) you killing yourself on the premises or constantly begging someone to pull you back from your suicidal thoughts.

    The removal of sagging skin isn’t going to fix you. And, please, knock off the “you don’t know me!” retorts to the armchair diagnosis responses you receive. If you were sitting in a shrink chair and verbalized everything you write, you’d get the same exact advice – FIX YOURSELF FROM WITHIN.

    Bemoaning nobody taking you in for free while you stash your money for a cosmetic vanity procedure is one reason nobody’s taking you in. Think about it.

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