I on occasion reference the vile, evil things that people say or send to me. Here is an example of some of an unprovoked attack I received last night from someone I haven’t spoken to in all of 2013 and hasn’t been a blip on my radar since I had to bribe him $400 to move off my couch where he established residency after stating he would only be on my couch for a few weeks at most.

Oh and here’s the takeaway line from the entire email he sent me regarding Michael’s character:

“you (Nick Starr) are … the only person I know who deserve to die a horrible, slow death”

Here is a synopsis of the email I received from Michael Ross Yates yesterday. His statements are in italics.

“you are a horrible piece of shit little bitch.” 

I’m actually a human and not excrement nor a female dog.

“You … prey on young guys, going around and sleeping with them unprotected to purposefully infect them with YOUR disease.”

Michael lived on my couch for 2 months. In that time I only slept with 1 person, my current boyfriend / partner. We’ve never had unprotected sex.  I have a huge stockpile of condoms in a nightstand next my bed, on the window next to my old bed, and even a stash in the living room under the couch just in case anything happens. I don’t have unprotected sex. I also have never nor would ever have sex with anyone under the age of 18.

This statement from Michael Ross Yates is under Washington Law defamation and libel and holds no merit.

In Washington State, when someone makes a false statement to another person and this causes harm to that person’s reputation and good name, the law calls this “defamation.” There are two types of defamation, slander (spoken) and libel (written).

Michael on the other hand when he lived with me in early 2012 would bring home a different young boy on multiple days of the week. I saw him skyping with young MINOR boys under the age of 18, an action which he bragged about. He also bragged to myself and others in my presence about a relationship with a 16 year old MINOR he previously had when he was legally an adult. He would even take screen shots of his Skype sessions with minors on my iPad, but I choose not to post them at this time to protect the identity of the minors which he potentially victimized. The photos are clothed, but show his pattern of predatory behavior.

“Brian (my boyfriend) is only with you because of your money. … there is no person on this earth that would want such a … little whining bitch as their boyfriend, or even to associate with you.”

While I am doing better than I ever have financially  there are millions of people who make more than I do. I don’t own a car, I don’t own a house, I don’t even have my student loans paid off. So what money? The second part of Michael Ross Yates statement is obviously proven false … I mean look at my relationship status on Facebook.

“You … are just a sad little husk of a man, who in a few years will die and not be missed. No one … will come to your funeral, and the world, in my opinion, will be a much better place without a scar like you to infect it. So, enjoy the shitty life … that you have left. Because out of all of the people with HIV, you are … the only person I know who deserve to die a horrible, slow death from it.”

I think that last statement stands on its own showing his character, his true nature, and what type of vile, despicable, human he is.

2 notes: The items omitted by ellipsis primarily are Michael repeatedly writing “in my opinion” in some apparent desire to avoid a lawsuit. Secondly, my statements all are solely in my opinion based on this email from Michael Ross Yates and experiences with this person.

Oh here is a post on Facebook he made about me as well:

“…Nick Star is a piece of shit little bitch. He’s a snooty, stuck up ugly cop calling little pussy. Any stupid rumor you hear is a load of crock from him. He’s rude, inconsiderate, ugly, selfish and completely self centered. If you say his name 3 times he’ll appear, and you don’t need that blairwitch bitch showing up, trust me. He needs to get a life, and stop spreading crap about other people. He’s two faced and not worth anyone’s time. “

Oh … one last thing. The first night Michael Ross Yates stayed at my place back in early 2012 he came home late in the night and threw up all over my living room. Classy!

Update: WOW. You should also do a name search on the Washington Courts website. Michael Ross Yates is in there a LOT!!!

Short url: http://starr.es/MichaelRossYates

Was sent this comment today by Tim McFarlane on a thread which was discussing me on Facebook. Given my past history with mental illness and suicidal ideation, this person Tim McFarlane is advocating that I commit suicide. Just another reason why it doesn’t ever get better… Evil people like this are reasons why it only gets worse.

Later on after being told that his comment was reported (to me) he felt the need to reiterate his hate filled comments:

Some men just want to watch the world burn.

A Nexus 7 or Kindle Fire HD start at $199. This is the same price as the OLDER iPod touch. Apple wouldn’t dare cannibalize the sales of their “most popular iPod ever”, the iPod touch, by coming in the market with a product bigger, faster, better, and cheaper or the same price. It just doesn’t make smart business sense to sell a product with a 7″ or 7.9″ display size (two of the rumored screen sizes) for the same price as their 3.5″ or 4″ devices.

What about a $399 iPad Mini? That is only$100 less than the full sized, fully functional iPad, and if you get a refurbished iPad from Apple with the same 1 year warranty, it would cut the difference in price by only $50.

Therefore for those holding their breath for October or later for an iPad mini, I hope you don’t end up looking blue in the face like Violet Beauregarde. Not saying that in the future we won’t see an iPad mini, but I just don’t see it in the foreseeable future.

Update: Oops guess I was wrong.

Last night I found out that a friend of mine killed himself after he was bullied for being gay. Brian Tyler Boydston and I started talking on Twitter, and eventually became friends off of just social networks. We would call and talk and text each other when we just wanted to chat.

With high college course load and social life we lost touch but still would send each other the occasional text or message.

Last night I found out that he killed himself after being bullied for being gay.

My thoughts go out to his friends and family.

It is horrible that there are people out there who would drive a person to such an act… People like Matt Lederer and Chris Mallgren need to be stopped! They suggest that gay people kill them self! Their words are hateful and evil. No one should ever feel the need to kill them self, let alone have people like Matt Lederer and Chris Mallgren telling them directly that they should commit suicide.

Please stop spreading hated! It is supposed to get better, but when people are telling you that you should kill yourself, how does it get better? These people need to be stopped!

Matt Lederer is a textbook example of why gay teens are committing suicide…his actions are bullying and unprovoked. He has recently been lashing out against me on his Facebook account (Matt Lederer). I have never said a mean word about him. We were “friends” on Facebook and had communicated on various other social platforms up until the point where Matt Lederer suggested that I, an openly gay man, should jump off a bridge and kill myself after he was emailing my employer thus threatening my livelihood because of an issue with an issue regarding someone else who has also publicly and privately spread vile and hatred about me for MONTHS.

I just want to put this information out there to show others the real Matt Lederer. He is by others definition, not my own, a bully. His attacks are mean spirited, uncalled for, unprovoked, unwarranted, and hurtful.

So for everyone saying, “It gets better” as you get older and grow up, just know that there are bullies out there who will attack you for no good reason other than to feed their own ego.

Matt Lederer is one such person. “Some men aren’t looking for anything logical, like money. They can’t be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.”

Update: It would seem as if Chris Mallgren also advocates gay people committing suicide. His actions and comments are hurtful, hateful, and a person who would dare suggest a person, gay or not, kill themselves has nothing but evil and hatred in them.

I’m glad that I moved to Seattle, and have enjoyed my time here. I am now back working full time for a major internet company making more than I ever have, am busy nearly every night with events with friends, and even host a weekly party at my place where my friends and I get together for drinks and sometimes games. I even experienced snow for the first time in my life!

I also have a TON more space than any place I lived while in San Francisco, and for the first time since living in Florida have my own bathroom! … I even have my own home bar that I’ve started as a pet project that I’m really enjoying…and in the next day or so, it will even show up on Google Maps!

I am so thankful for all my friends and opportunities moving to a new city has afforded me. In moving here I planned to be here for 10 years, then hopefully back to San Francisco or who knows where… so here’s to one amazing year down… 9 more to go!

I’d venture to say that for the first time in a long time, I’ve gained a strong group of friends for my short time in Seattle. While the group might not be humongous in size, I can say that I am happy to have them around me and in my life. I apologize for my behavior of late and have been voluntarily seeking professional help and will continue to. I am looking forward to reconnecting with my friends and making new friends. It’s been tough but I do appreciate all the support.

If you or I want to have a friendship or discussion I’d be welcome to that and hope that you would as well.

I apologize for any heartache or stress I might’ve caused anyone this past week. There were obviously scenarios beyond my control where I wasn’t able to communicate in a digital method, and getting anything out until now has been almost impossible.

Thank you again for listening,

Nick Starr

P.S. I’m loyal to a fault… I would do anything for those in my life I consider friends… Ask anyone who I consider a true friend and they can cite many times that I’ve gone out of my way to help them out… even sometimes when I didn’t want to. I’m actually a nice guy… and to those who have gotten to know the real me not the “Nick Starr” you read about online … know that I’m actually not evil…daresay a good person. 

My first and foremost resolution in 2012 is to: Get a job!

I’ve been unemployed for the enteritiy of 2011, and really want to get back to work and find something I enjoy doing. This is the most critical and important goal this year for me… mainly because if I don’t, I’ll end up on the streets… and I don’t want that again.

Second goal/resolution is to: Get below 150lbs and stay there

It’s no secret that my entire life I’ve struggled with my weight, and only in 2008 did I decide to do something about it. The lowest I’ve ever gotten is 146, but I had a personal trainer then… I’d like to get below 150lbs (a goal which I accomplished before moving to Seattle this past year), but also to stay below that mark. It is kinda cool when you are the gym weighing yourself, and you only have to put the 100lb weight plus the slider vs the 150 plus slider.

Third and this seems like it is a reoccuring theme in these resolution posts is: To find a guy to date

I’ve given up almost totally on finding a boyfriend…I just don’t ever see anyone caring for me or even liking me long term to want to be my boyfriend… so I’d settle for someone who I can go out on more than one date with… Still trying to break that “never been on a 2nd date” curse.

All in all, I’m looking forward to 2012. I hope you meet and excede the goals you have for yourself this year!

2011 is drawing to a close… I’ve made a lot of changes in my life… and am glad about each and every one of them.

It is now time to turn to 2012 with a renewed hope… There are a lot of things that I had hoped 2011 would bring me, like a job, a 2nd date and/or boyfriend, but alas these items still elude me.

I’m excited that 2012 will finally bring me a new job… it certainly better or I’m going to end up being homeless again…this time for REAL… So keep me and my future in your prayers and I’ll do the same for you.

I hope you have a great day with family, friends, loved ones, a Happy Christmas, and a joyous New Year.

https://twitter.com/#!/Petecn73/status/122950708038344704

https://twitter.com/#!/kevcn/status/122948973265825792

https://twitter.com/#!/thatxxxthing/status/122936480090951680

I am codependent.

This statement is at the core of everything I do. It is the answer to all of the questions and reason for nearly everything I do. My entire life, I grew up in size husky jeans, I was teased all throughout Elementary and Middle school, I was mocked, picked on, and teased. I turned to the church as my parents made us go, and that didn’t help either. I would go on to be teased for my beliefs. I never found anywhere that I fit in, and honestly to this day still haven’t.

High school was different, I found my first real and only so far in my life best friend. We hung out almost daily and had quite a bit in common. Post high school we kept in contact until he ended up dating, and eventually marrying a girl who disliked me, and thus we lost touch.

Since that point, I’ve never really had someone I can ask to go out to the movies with, or call up for a quick dinner, or drink. I have people who care about me namely my family, and one or two people in San Francisco, but no real “call up and grab a quick drink or movie or plan a trip together” type friends. I desperately need that.

See even though I lost 100lbs after moving to San Francisco, I still am at heart that 250lb 2nd grader getting mocked and friendless in my head. I was out on a date this past Friday, and he brought up my posting about having so much sex while in Chicago and posting about it on Twitter. His first thought was that, “this guy hates himself.” He hit the nail on the head… I HATE MYSELF.

My entire life, I was told I wasn’t as good as, wasn’t as attractive as, wasn’t as successful as…etc. This permeates my every thought on a daily basis. I don’t feel as if I’m attractive enough for someone to want to be with me, and am often quite shocked myself that someone would want to be with me physically. So, because of this, in having sex with some random guy validates me if only for a brief few minutes. Yet that isn’t enough, I feel the need for others to know that I’m worthwhile, I’m attractive enough, and that someone else actually thinks so…this is why I post about my random sexual encounters.

I need that validation. Based on my my life expectancy, my life is nearly half over…and there is nothing that is going to be able to change that…that I need to have some sort of validation to even slightly make me feel worthwhile and like myself. I have never been happy a moment in my life unless I had someone by my side to experience it with me.

This is why more than ANYTHING I want a boyfriend. People often see my post about random sexual encounters and think that is all I want…it couldn’t be further from the truth. Having a relationship would provide the constant validation that I need to feel like a worthwhile member of society.

I engage in random sexual acts because I need the validation, and based on decades of previous experiences, I’m not going to be getting a boyfriend anytime soon. I need to have something to make me feel a sense of worth, so in the meantime I have to settle for what I can get.

Now does being promiscuous perhaps turn away potential suitors, perhaps, but at the same time the moment I go out with a person, I refrain from any sexual encounters, flirting, cruising, etc of ANYONE else. After the date with Sam this past Friday, I had brunch with a friend and discussed how until I found out where things were going (turns out no where) that I was abstaining from anyone else. I so desperately need for something to work with a guy and at the even brief chance of it happening, I am do everything in my power to not wreck it.

That being said, public opinion might be that I’m only out to hook up, but that isn’t the case at all…I want someone by my side. In a heartbeat I would do anything necessary to keep what might have the potential for a future.

So why not hang out with someone I hook up with again? Well I’ve tried that…I would get their number, text for a few days…sometimes they would write back, but more often they wouldn’t. It seems as if San Francisco, especially people my age and younger aren’t so much interested in dating when it is so easy to find someone to hook up with…I however am. I have turned a few hookups into a date, but as evidenced here, they never went any further than that.

I want to address the whole “you aren’t going to find anyone until you love yourself” notion. THAT ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN! No matter how many people nor times I hear it. I simply cannot love myself unless I have the validation of someone else. I’ve been dealing with therapist trying to get me to love myself since I started seeing a shrink in 2nd grade. THIS ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN. I will never  ever love myself, unless I have someone to first love me. This is just how my brain functions… I will literally block any commenter, or reply to anyone who dares to try to suggest otherwise.

That being said, more than anything I just need to be liked, to be loved, to have someone acknowledge that I exist and that I’m worth something. Until I have that, and even more so when I do get it, I will continue to feel the need to express the brief moments of acceptance in a public fashion in order to let others know that I’m worth something. I need to have someone in my life who can provide this for me.

[Updated Jan 23rd, 2011]

Tatum (March 2010)- We met on some iOS app for gay dating/hookup. We talked for a bit, and finally decided to meet, and had dinner down by Stanford where he was going to school. The date went very wrong fast when he asked me when the last time I had sex was, and in my open and honest nature, I told him it was the day previous. His entire demeanor changed after that. It didn’t go well whatsoever. We did continue to hang out occasionally, and not date, but just go out as friends more or less…although he did meet my parents when they were in town and took us to the Tonga Room. Eventually, I told him I just wasn’t attracted to him, and that it wasn’t going anywhere.

Sam (Jan 21, 2010)- Sam and I also met on a gay hookup/ dating app when he was in town for No Pants day (apparently he has a history of going to such events based on his facebook albums). We talked for about 3 weeks, and he was quite sweet in trying to work around my schedule for when we would eventually go out. While we were talking and before we met, I went to Chicago and had a sex crazed weekend, and tweeted about it. He went to New Orleans that same weekend and spent it with and I quote, “the boy who would be his boyfriend, if it weren’t for the distance and the fact that he smoked.” We eventually had a nice dinner (although the yams were the best part about the food). We talked about our various tech habits, new apps, jobs, etc. The conversation went quite well, at this point there wasn’t any obvious chemistry, but that might be because he was waiting to spring my past weekend in Chicago on me. On the ride over to The Crunchies after party he stared asking me about my weekend in Chicago, quoting tweets to me such as this one, and this, and this. He told me that 5 of his friends independent of each other had sent him to my Twitter page to read thru my lascivious activities the previous weekend. No matter how much I tried to explain that while I very much do want a boyfriend, in the meantime I also have needs, wants, desires, etc…and I have always been open and honest about everything…it’s in part why so many people follow me online. Well my behavior the previous weekend was quite the turn off apparently to him. He drove me home and walked me to my front door. We spoke the next day, to which he expressed a desire to never see me again…. making that 1st date number 12…2nd date number zero still.

Start video at 4 minutes 47 seconds.

I grew up in a very Christian household, and thus felt I couldn’t be my true self when I was living there, and even after moving out. I was deathly afraid that if I went a gay bar someone might recognize me and it get back to my family and friends. I created a fake name when trying to meet guys locally. I even would drive over 100 miles each way from the Tampa Bay area to Orlando, Florida to go to gay clubs because I was afraid. Afraid of coming out, afraid of who I was, afraid that it was a sin and I would spend eternity in hell.

Because of my upbringing and fears, I wasn’t able to come out until after I packed up and moved into my car and moved all the way to San Francisco. I still didn’t even feel comfortable coming out until after living here 7 months. Finally May 19, 2008, when I was 27 (and a half) years old, I finally felt free enough to come out to not just myself, but family, friends, followers, anyone and everyone.

Because of this, I had a late start in terms of dating. I wasn’t married by 25 as Matthew Lush wishes he was, and find myself a 30 year old gay man living in one of the gayest cities in the world, San Francisco, and I’m not only single, but also have never even had a second date. I also have a vast history of depression, and suicidal ideations and even attempts. Hell someone even wrote a paper on my mental breakdowns as part of their doctorate. So, Matthew Lush, how is advocating a gay man at age 30 who is unmarried / partnered / single to kill himself in any way beneficial?

Matthew Lush is an advocate of gay suicide. He himself said that he would kill himself. So, Matthew Lush, would you like to drive me to the Golden Gate Bridge so that I can kill myself? I’m sure someone will return the favor on your 30th birthday if you are single.

#ItGetsWorse

(Images courtesy of Feast of Fun and BeforeiForget respectively)

If you are looking for info about me, your best bet is to follow along with some of the new social media sites I use on a daily basis…this site is rarely ever updated.

Twitter – @NickStarr
Facebook – Nick Starr
Tumblr – t.NickStarr.com
Flickr – NickStarr
TwitPic – NickStarr

Also, I am getting back more into tech news which you can follow on my dedicated Twitter account for that:
Twitter – @TechStarr

• 1) I remove the previous blog entry about “them”
• 2) Publicly disclose items on social media sites which would defame my character
• 3) Have sex with people I was a “jerk to” when I was at Steamworks (a gay sex club) and/or on Grindr.

This last claim is absolutely ridiculous, and also leads me to believe that apparently this person(s) is someone(s) that I didn’t sleep with, rejected, or even told off when they tried to advance on me sexually in a way I didn’t want. That might not be the case and I might be way off, but either way this person is disturbing and is the textbook definition of a stalker:

one who proceeds in a steady, deliberate, or sinister manner

That being said here is the conversation last night with this twisted individual. I had previously removed the Google Voice number this person was using to text me from, but I am again posting it. If you wish to say something to this person, please send a text to 415-449-0626. This is a Google Voice number and doesn’t seem to be attached to a phone, so only texting or leaving a voice mail will get through to the person(s).

I’ve had:

• My parents phone number listed on forums where people would call non-stop,
• I had people fax naked pictures into my place of employment,
• call my phone so much that I had to change my number a few times…and someone who worked for the cellular company I was with kept giving out my new number to these “haters.”
• I had 2 of my tires slashed while waiting in line for the first iPhone.
• I had people call up and pretend to have a job lined up for me when I was thinking of moving (thank God I didn’t fall for that one).
• I had people anonymously (oh and that is the BIGGEST THING…is that they ALWAYS are anonymous…when I put my entire life online, you have to hide behind your fake username, email address, etc) email my place of work threatening to never go to the establishment again because they employed a homeless person like myself, when I was saving for my surgery.
• I even have had someone call up the IRS and submit fake documentation that I was cheating on my taxes.

Most recently a few people have been texting me with personal information about my family, and myself. Here are the transcripts of the text messages being sent from a Google Voice number, once again showing the cowardice of the person hiding behind the anonymity of the internet.

As you can see the harassment has been non-stop and gotten worse over the years. I don’t need it, I didn’t ask for it, and I haven’t done a single thing like this to anyone else. The phone number I listed above is the FIRST time I’ve ever publicly given out information about another person who. I don’t even give phone numbers to mutual friends who ask me for them.

I am sick of this. I don’t know why people have all this extra time on their hands where they can sit around and try to fuck with me, but I am done with it. I am going to try to live my life for my self, and not for others. I want to try to back away from social media in a large role as I have been currently, and move into a more casual user. I am not going away forever, although that might be the best option right now. I just don’t want to have to deal with mean people any longer.

That all being said, there have been infinitely more positive people and friends I’ve made along the way, and feel free to keep in contact with me, thru DM or email, etc. It is just the people who are vindictive and evil who ruin it for everyone.

With all that being said….I’m out for a while….

Your Mom’s Box.

Update: It would seem as if the threatening has not stopped….This is what was texted last night:

Well first let me explain. The healing process for such invasive procedures like I got is lengthy. Full results aren’t instant. In fact most cosmetic surgeons will tell you that you will only see 90% of the final results 2 months after the procedure. I’m right at 3 weeks as of today, but I can tell you that I am happy.

While the results haven’t magically turned me into a skinny twink or anything, the surgeon was able to remove problem areas for me and I am quite happy.

I have to wear a compression garment for another few weeks, in order to make sure things stay in place, and heal properly. See with liposuction or any fat or skin removal, they have to remove the connection between the skin and muscle. This takes times to heal the connection and drain the fluid which resides in these areas.

My stomach is flatter than its ever been…I can look down and don’t see any excess bulging, whereas before right around my belly button I saw a mass of fat that simply wasn’t going away. Also my love handles are greatly curtailed, and I feel better when wearing jeans. My chest was another area where work was done, and while it isn’t completely flat, I am not as ashamed as I once was to show off my chest/torso.

All in all, I believe that the entire process was worth the end result. I again, still am not even close to finished healing. I still am in pain when touched, and still have stitches which occasionally cause me pain.

As far as can I see it? Hell no…I am still black/blue/yellow and every shade in between with bruises. I’m sure in time I will feel even more comfortable, but that isn’t going to happen until the bruising goes away.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and messages during my recovery, and an even bigger thanks to Michael Butler and his family for letting me stay with them before I returned to work a week after my procedure.

Today is the day…I know that I said before that it was canceled, postponed indefinitely, etc….but today is the day. I found a surgeon who I feel more comfortable with than any other Doctor which I’ve spoke with. He understood my problem areas including my back, chest, stomach, etc. I am going to be starting surgery about the time this blog post hits.

If you want to send me some love/feedback/well wishes, etc please feel free to Twitter me (@NickStarr) or leave a message in the comments below. Thanks for everyone’s support in the months and months I’ve saved up for this. I’m so excited that the day is finally here!

Time for an experiment…I’m going to sell my iPhone 3GS on eBay, and purchase a new Nexus One for AT&T. I will have it in conjunction with my iPad, so I won’t lose all the great apps I’ve purchased since owning my iPhone. I am going to give it a full go…no safety net, no iPhone I can fall back on. Give the Android platform and Google a full go…for a few months that is.

Once Apple announces an updated iPhone, I will make my decision, and of course share that decision with you, on if I will upgrade to it, or keep the Nexus One. Stay tuned to my Twitter and here on my gripes, and

My medical Doctor here in San Francisco gave me a pre-surgery physical as my surgeon wanted. As I stated before on here, I have a health issue which ultimately will be the death of me. Its because I am not doing well based on my labs, that my Doctor decided to write a letter to the surgeon saying that while nothing may go wrong, my risk for infection could be greater, but may not be.

It’s because of this letter that the surgeon called me up expressing his concern with proceeding and said that I come back within 3-6 months if I am doing better at that time.

HERE’S HOW THIS COULD HAD GONE DIFFERENTLY:

My surgeon wanted to do the physical, but since I was having the procedure done in Florida, it was easier for me to have the physical in San Francisco. I will now be looking for a surgeon either within the San Francisco area, or go with my second, and more expensive choice, in Florida, but have them do the physical.

EVERY SINGLE DOCTOR I SPOKE WITH…and I believe I had 6 consultations with various Doctors said that my condition wouldn’t be an issue in performing the surgery, or recovery. It’s because of one gray-ly worded letter from my medical Doctor that this entire thing has been put on the shelf. BTW, I have already called my rep at Kaiser and asked for a change in Doctors. I never want to see the face of the man who made 7 months of sleeping on the streets all a waste.

I am not sure how I will proceed. I might look for an apartment, and just continue saving and hope in 3-6 months I am ‘better’ and able to have the surgery, but more likely I will continue living on the streets in order to save up the extra ~$3000-5,000 needed to have the surgery done with a different surgeon, keeping my medical Doctor out of the loop.

I WILL HAVE THIS SURGERY WITHIN THE NEXT 196 DAYS…I DON’T CARE IF I HAVE TO CUT MYSELF OPEN IN ORDER TO HAVE IT DONE, IT WILL BE DONE!

Below is the updated info:

Jim - Jim started following me online around Pride 2009, where I had a very large break down mentally. Not the best time for a possible boyfriend to start reading about your life. One day he saw me on the Muni, and sent me an email on Facebook later that day. We hung out a few weeks later just as friends, getting to know each other, etc. He was kinda seeing this other guy at the time, and I didn’t want to impose or be a “home wrecker.” Our friendship blossomed, and we held hands one day. A few days later, I asked him out on a date. He said yes, and I remember him saying he enjoyed bowling. We went bowling on our date, grabbed ice cream, and just enjoyed each other’s company. A few days later, he said that this couldn’t continue due to a number of concerns he had. We stayed friends, and things eventually became romantic again, then he stopped it again…this happened about five more times (thus far as of writing this on Feb 24th). Every time with us getting close, sometimes kissing, sometimes more, sometimes less, and then almost as if he were to awake from some dream, his feelings would just as suddenly snap, and he wouldn’t even want to be friends. Jim is the closest I’ve gotten to any one person in San Francisco, and quite honestly since my best friend in high school over 10 years ago. I am uncertain of the future we have as friends, but I am hopeful that eventually we can work past these feelings we have and be friends.

Adam In Toronto - I met him the first night of a work trip in Toronto in the beginning of November 2009, we talked at The Barn and I ran into a guy I met the previous Toronto Trip, Phil. Adam and I hit it off and hung out every day while I was up there. We finally went out on our first and last date a few hours before I had to fly back to San Francisco. We sat down, had dinner, talked about our lives, goals, etc, but alas he lives in Canada, and I can’t immigrate there. He did come to San Francisco a few months later in February 2010 for 3 days, but things weren’t as we both remembered them, and it was a very strained trip…no dates, just showing him around SF and trying to not kill each other. We remain friends and hopefully will be able to stay that way for life, as for a relationship, I don’t see it in the works.

Leo - You can read all about the date with Leo here…let’s just say that he was already seeing someone else at the time, and at one point in the date even had him join us. Epic fail (on his and my part to be honest).

In all of this, with every single guy…I’ve been the person asking them out on a date. I’ve never in my entire life been asked out. That fact alone makes me realize that Nick/Tuck, and maybe in the future moving to a new city is something I might need…yet another new start and lease on life. Who knows what the future hold, but I am almost certain given my track wreck record, it isn’t anything good, and most certainly doesn’t involved someone who cares or loves me.

As it stands, by the day I get have the surgery I will had been homeless for 221 days, that is over SEVEN months! Despite what MANY (yes I am talking especially to you Dave Condie) have said along the way, I never went running home back to Florida, I never got in trouble with work, I never panicked and gave up; I stuck to my guns, sucked it up and look where I’m at now…ready for surgery! I know along the way I haven’t been the best with saving money, but I finally was able to accomplish my goal. I am hoping to find a place in early April to move in, but the following two weeks after the surgery I will be recovering at my parents house in Tampa Bay, Florida.

I’m very excited…I can’t wait to see the results. I hope to take a before picture to go along with an after picture, although I’ve never shown a picture of what I look like now (aka before), I might finally release that soon…

Anyway, thanks for the well wishes…can’t wait until the big day!

However, there has never been an entire song where I felt as if it were written by me, word for word. There’s been songs where bits and pieces fit my life, but Lily Allen managed to capture my life in her song 22. Here’s the music video, lyrics, or listen to the whole song here (iLike):

When she was 22 the future looked bright
But she’s nearly 30 now and she’s out every night
I see that look in her face, she’s got that look in her eye
She’s thinking how did I get here and wondering why

It’s sad but it’s true how society says her life is already over
There’s nothing to do and there’s nothing to say
‘Til the man of her dreams comes along
Picks her up and puts her over his shoulder
It seems so unlikely in this day and age

She’s got an alright job but it’s not a career
Whenever she thinks about it, it brings her to tears
‘Cause all she wants is a boyfriend, she gets one night stands
She’s thinking how did I get here, I’m doing all that I can

It’s sad but it’s true how society says her life is already over
There’s nothing to do and there’s nothing to say
‘Til the man of her dreams comes along
Picks her up and puts her over his shoulder
It seems so unlikely in this day and age

It’s sad but it’s true how society says her life is already over
There’s nothing to do and there’s nothing to say
‘Til the man of her dreams comes along
Picks her up and puts her over his shoulder
It seems so unlikely in this day and age

http://www.lala.com/external/flash/SingleSongWidget.swf

Valentines Day is coming up, it’s a new year, and I figured I would full on into this online dating thing to see what happens. I signed up for OkCupid.com after my friend Kyle (@KyleHD on Twitter) showed me their iPhone app.

(BTW side note: Should this post be titled Online Dating… given it hasn’t yielded a single date?)

I can’t believe the phone call I made today. I called up my surgeon to schedule my cosmetic procedures. I am technically having three things done all at the same time, no not 10 like Heidi Montag. I am having an abdominoplasty, liposuction on my flanks (love handles), and gynecomastia (chest). I am VERY excited about having this all done on MARCH 9TH.

That being said, I did watch these videos online yesterday and it made me sick to my stomach. This is the first part of what I’m having done. Watch on an empty stomach (so to speak)…

Anyway…I can’t wait. Thanks to everyone for the support and kind words while I endured this trying time in order to accomplish this goal.

I played with it, got a T-Mobile pre-paid account so I could use 3G in San Francisco, and even tried it with my AT&T sim card. I just wasn’t impressed. The battery was drained the first day I used it after a full charge in 4 hours. I was using it as much if not a bit less than my iPhone 3GS, yet the battery just up and died by 9pm, when I left work at 5pm with a full charge. Needless to say I wasn’t happy. So I turned off the live background and other things, but still wasn’t able to get much more life out of it the next day.

My iPhone 3GS is jailbroken, so I’ve had the ability to run background apps (like steaming Pandora, while on Grindr, and sending texts), so that wasn’t anything new to me. The apps aren’t all that refined, and what the hell is with that horrific orange that shows up throughout the OS when you click on things, etc. I just wasn’t impressed, and it certainly wasn’t the iPhone killer for me that I had hoped it would be. I seriously missed my push notifications, and the only thing I found myself using was the Gmail app, since it was the best version of an email client I’ve seen.

Now, I call up HTC (the makers of the Google Nexus One) on January 7th, asking to return the phone, knowing full well that there was a $45 restocking fee. They said FedEx would email me a shipping label within 24 hours. 24 hours later, nothing. I call again, again am told wait 24 hours, nothing. I call the following Monday and ask WTF? They say 24 hours later; I wait, nothing. I now am calling on a daily basis 24 hours after my previous call, so that I make sure that maybe just maybe at the 23rd hour and 59th minute they might email me; nothing.

I am now told that my calls have been “escalated” yet there is no one that I am allowed to speak with at that department, and I ask for the highest ranking supervisor where this rep is. I’ve done this at least 4 times now, and always put on a 10-15 minute hold, and eventually told again that my case has been “escalated” and that to just wait. I was even told that I would have to wait until after the MLK holiday, and I did, still nothing. No phone calls, no emails (not even in my spam filter), nothing.

Today is the 14th day that I’ve tried to get some resolution, and still nothing. I am GLAD that I live in California where you have 30 days to return your Nexus One, but in every other state is 14 days. If I didn’t live in California, I would be stuck with this phone simply because FedEx hasn’t sent me a label?

Is Google doing this on purpose to stick people with the phone? I know Google only sold a disappointing 20,000 phones the first week, so are they trying to hold onto every sale they can? I don’t want this phone, I’ve canceled my T-Mobile account, and already gotten the check for my unused service. I want my money back for my Nexus One, I want a shipping label to send it back, and I just want to freaking return this phone. Someone help!

[bit.ly] [Digg]

2008 was such an amazing year. I lost all my weight, finally came out, was having a great time living it up in San Francisco, I don’t understand how 2009 could had gone so horrifically wrong.

That being said, I did want to provide a Nick Tuck update. I now have all of the funds for the surgery (there is again a complication in holding up a portion of it which I can’t get into), but I am all ready to go and have it done once those funds clear. I also was able to afford a new laptop with my bonus from my company, and am quite excited about that…so going into 2010 things are on an upswing.

In 2010, I plan on moving off the streets of San Francisco and back into an apartment (most likely a room for rent). I plan on being in the best physical shape of my life, not only because of the surgery, but through rigorous working out and maintaining a healthy lifestyle and diet.

I turn 30 this year, and I am really hoping that I can set myself to be ready for that when it comes by improving myself and trying to become the best person I can until then.

I guess that is my 2009 review…so much happened, and I’m sure there is so much more to come…until then.

Ask me anything here

I’ve been a bit more depressed more than normal recently, but other than that things are same old same old. If things don’t line up with the money, I won’t be able to have Nick Tuck until March due to a scheduling conflict at work.

Well …. yeah … Have a good…. day off work.

[Short URL via Bit.ly]

“If I wouldn’t had just started seeing this guy seriously earlier this week, I would had totally taken you home and had sex with you.”

That ISN’T how the night started. It is technically where it ended, at least in my mind. Last night I went out with this very cute Russian guy I had met on Loopt Mix. (For the non-tech savvy, Loopt is a way of updating where you are so you know where your friends are and vice versa. Loopt Mix is a spin off where you can look for people of similar interests nearby, be it dating, friendship, sex, etc.) We decided to grab drinks at Marlena’s first, and set the time for 6:30. He had asked if 6 or 6:30 was better, I choose the later as I wasn’t sure how it would go.

I wasn’t really excited for the date, as I’ve recently as this week kinda stopped seeing/hanging out with/whatever (he is a whole novel wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma…and all for another day.) So, he was on my mind still and I didn’t have high expectations for the date. I’ve only been on 10 of them, and all of them 1st dates with 10 different guys…I don’t have much success.

I get there at 6:15 so I am early, but oh well. He texts me and informs me he won’t be there until 7, so now my 15 minutes early has turned into 45 minutes of waiting and well…drinking.

He shows up in bleached blonde hair; now this guy from earlier in the week I previously mentioned kept bugging me to dye my hair back to bleached blonde, and I did. LUCKILY, in a purging process, I dyed it back the night before the date to its natural dirty blonde. It would had just been silly two bleached blondes on a date. The conversation was okay…he talked a lot, and I laughed b/c I was nervous and wasn’t sure what to say.

We went to Katya Smirnoff-Skyy’s new stage show Katya’s Holiday Spectacular, and the two people in all of San Francisco who can’t stand me, and I’ve tried to reconcile with, are also in the crowd. Fuck my life. They also both know my date and start conversing with him, totally ignoring me as per usual. Fuck my life. The show was amazing, did I mention he is Russian, so seeing Katya, who plays a Russian red headed Countess with an amazing classically trained voice is even more special. He also has done drag and stood in when Katya couldn’t make it before.

The night continues and we head back to Marlena’s for a night of drag, music, booze, etc. We are now having a great time, being a bit flirty, tipsy, etc. Things weren’t going spectacular, but going well none the less.

The bar is closing, and we hop in his car off to who knows where. Everything is closing, so we rush to the liquor store and grab a bottle of wine. While in the car outside talking, he says…

“If I wouldn’t had just started seeing this guy seriously earlier this week, I would had totally taken you home and had sex with you.”

Okay, so let’s be honest, sex is great, amazing, wonderful, fun, exciting, etc,but I am looking for a boyfriend. I didn’t really want to have sex on the first date…this is my new strategy on trying to get a 2nd date. Oh well…so he’s got this other guy…great. Now he is like, do you want to go to The Endup. I’ve never ended up there before, so I figure what the hell. On the way there, he picks up this guy he is seeing. WHAT THE FUCK? Awkward, right? Fuck my life.

We go to The Endup, pay the $20 cover, and go in. I wasn’t having any of this night any longer, so I sneak off outside when they are making out, and hop in a cab back to the weekly rental hotel I’m staying at this week, and off to bed.

Fuck my life.

This past weekend I went down to Tampa Bay, Florida to visit family, but mainly to get consults for the upcoming surgery. My parents want me to do it down there near them, so that I can spend my recovery time at their place, instead of in San Francisco. It makes sense, and the Doctor said the follow up appointments would all take place within the following 2 weeks of the surgery.

I am really looking forward to finally reaching my goal and being able to feel comfortable in my own skin. Thanks for everyone who has donated and the well wishers along the way. It’s been a long road, but the light is certainly at the end of the tunnel.

BTW I plan on writing a year end post soon, specifically describing my progress on reaching my goals of having an ACTUAL real friend in San Francisco, and boyfriend (or hell even a 2nd date). Stay tuned…

When we first met, he was already following me on Twitter and sent me a message that he ran into me on the Muni one day. After hanging out for a while, he got to know the ‘real me’ and see beyond what is just online. I started to realize that he expected me to break down or jump of a bridge at a moments notice, and didn’t like that he had already had those thoughts in the back of his head about who I was based solely what he read online.

So, I’ve been posting less, trying to post more positive things, and cut out the negativity. It is difficult to find someone to spend time with and get to know on a deeper level (anywhere you go, but it seems to be especially true in the gay community and in San Francisco). I don’t want to start off things 10 steps behind because of something they read online or heard about me from a friend.

So I am trying to ‘re-image’ myself, and get rid of the negativity from my life. I am not going to tolerate seeing negative posts and comments on my Facebook account, and will be removing people who want to push their negativity upon me.

I am also closer than ever to getting my Nick Tuck surgeries, and estimate that I will be able to afford them this upcoming January, well within my goal of getting it done before I turn 30. I am very excited about this and look forward to completing the transformation I started over 2 years ago when I first moved to San Francisco to discover myself and become the best version of myself (mentally, physically, emotionally, etc) that I can be.

I am sick of people trying to blame me exclusively for not being able to get a second date with a guy…so let me run down my history of dating thus far with guys. This is a list of guy’s I’ve legitimately gone out with and we both knew it was a real date.

Michael P- I talked to Michael online, bumped into him at a bar one night, etc. I was never really that attracted to him in the end, plus sexually we weren’t a match, well at least I thought so. We hung out for a while because our friends were mostly the same and we ended up in the same places together. We went out on our own but ultimately I wasn’t into him and we weren’t dating/exclusive/etc and I hooked up with someone else and that is how that ended.

Jovan - A hookup which lead to a dinner, and no where else. I didn’t even want to go on the dinner with him.

Junior - He passed out in the bathroom of the cocktail mixer we were attending. I tried contacting him numerous times after this, and eventually heard from him months and months later. Something about a rough time in his life, embarrassed because of what happened, etc.

Ben - Ben and I went and had a great time together at this tech event at 21st Amendment. We heard about this other party thru a friend, and with this friend headed to the other party. The next morning the host of the party and my iPhone were missing. Ben was blamed, I was blamed, it turned into this huge controversy online, police were called to question Ben if he took the phones, and after that he wanted no part of hanging out with ‘my friends’ or people like that at the party who would blame him simply b/c they didn’t know him. To this day no one knows who took the phones, as they were ‘anonymously returned.’

Michael D- Michael was the closest to a …well…I don’t even know. When we first met we hooked up, we would see each other nearly every day, but it was more as friends. We didn’t kiss, we didn’t hold hands, we never had sex again. In the end we hated each other and no longer talk.

Alfredo - He was such a great guy. We hung out and while we did end up having sex on the first date, we still talked and things seemed to be going well. He invited me out to brunch a few days later, which one might think would be a date, but it was to tell me that he was accepted to college in Santa Barbara, and would be leaving in the next few weeks, and didn’t want to get emotionally involved in a situation where he knew he would be leaving.

Dawson - We hung out and had a great evening. Later on that night, after we had parted ways, I find out that he had a great evening the night previously with my neighbor. I’m not sure if he found out that I knew he was going out on dates with multiple people or not, and I did hear that he changed rehab programs and was staying in a different rehab facility, but never heard from him after that.

So it isn’t like I’m saying something stupid to scare these people away…it just hasn’t ended up working out. Things seem to come up which screw up what could be a good thing, but alas maybe that is fate, and maybe I am destined to just be single forever, but don’t say that is MUST be my fault, and that I always sleep with the guy on the first date.

[Updated Feb 24th, 2010]

Jim - Jim started following me online around Pride 2009, where I had a very large break down mentally. Not the best time for a possible boyfriend to start reading about your life. One day he saw me on the Muni, and sent me an email on Facebook later that day. We hung out a few weeks later just as friends, getting to know each other, etc. He was kinda seeing this other guy at the time, and I didn’t want to impose or be a “home wrecker.” Our friendship blossomed, and we held hands one day. A few days later, I asked him out on a date. He said yes, and I remember him saying he enjoyed bowling. We went bowling on our date, grabbed ice cream, and just enjoyed each other’s company. A few days later, he said that this couldn’t continue due to a number of concerns he had. We stayed friends, and things eventually became romantic again, then he stopped it again…this happened about five more times (thus far as of writing this on Feb 24th). Every time with us getting close, sometimes kissing, sometimes more, sometimes less, and then almost as if he were to awake from some dream, his feelings would just as suddenly snap, and he wouldn’t even want to be friends. Jim is the closest I’ve gotten to any one person in San Francisco, and quite honestly anyone at all since my best friend in high school over 10 years ago. I am uncertain of the future we have as friends, but I am hopeful that eventually we can work past these feelings we have and be friends.

Adam In Toronto – I met him the first night of a work trip in Toronto in the beginning of November 2009, we talked at The Barn and I ran into a guy I met the previous Toronto Trip, Phil. Adam and I hit it off and hung out every day while I was up there. We finally went out on our first and last date a few hours before I had to fly back to San Francisco. We sat down, had dinner, talked about our lives, goals, etc, but alas he lives in Canada, and I can’t immigrate there. He did come to San Francisco a few months later in February 2010 for 3 days, but things weren’t as we both remembered them, and it was a very strained trip…no dates, just showing him around SF and trying to not kill each other. We remain friends and hopefully will be able to stay that way for life, as for a relationship, I don’t see it in the works.

Leo - You can read all about the date with Leo here…let’s just say that he was already seeing someone else at the time, and at one point in the date even had him join us. Epic fail (on his and my part to be honest).

[Updated Jan 23rd, 2011]

Tatum (March 2010)- We met on some iOS app for gay dating/hookup. We talked for a bit, and finally decided to meet, and had dinner down by Stanford where he was going to school. The date went very wrong fast when he asked me when the last time I had sex was, and in my open and honest nature, I told him it was the day previous. His entire demeanor changed after that. It didn’t go well whatsoever. We did continue to hang out occasionally, and not date, but just go out as friends more or less…although he did meet my parents when they were in town and took us to the Tonga Room. Eventually, I told him I just wasn’t attracted to him, and that it wasn’t going anywhere.

Sam (Jan 21, 2011)- Sam and I also met on a gay hookup/ dating app when he was in town for for No Pants day (apparently he has a history of going to such events based on his facebook albums). We talked for about 3 weeks, and he was quite sweet in trying to work around my schedule for when we would eventually go out. While we were talking and before we met, I went to Chicago and had a sex crazed weekend, and tweeted about it. He went to New Orleans that same weekend and spent it with and I quote, “the boy who would be his boyfriend, if it weren’t for the distance and the fact that he smoked.” We eventually had a nice dinner (although the yams were the best part about the food). We talked about our various tech habits, new apps, jobs, etc. The conversation went quite well, at this point there wasn’t any obvious chemistry, but that might be because he was waiting to spring my past weekend in Chicago on me. On the ride over to The Crunchies after party he stared asking me about my weekend in Chicago, quoting tweets to me such as this one, andthis, and this. He told me that 5 of his friends independent of each other had sent him to my Twitter page to read thru my lascivious activities the previous weekend. No matter how much I tried to explain that while I very much do want a boyfriend, in the meantime I also have needs, wants, desires, etc…and I have always been open and honest about everything…it’s in part why so many people follow me online. Well my behavior the previous weekend was quite the turn off apparently to him. He drove me home and walked me to my front door. We spoke the next day, to which he expressed a desire to never see me again…. making that 1st date number 12…2nd date number zero still.

In all of this, every single guy…I’ve been the person asking them out on a date. I’ve never in my entire life been asked out. That fact alone makes me realize that Nick/Tuck, and maybe in the future moving to a new city is something I might need…yet another new start and lease on life. Who knows what the future hold, but I am almost certain given my train wreck track record, it isn’t anything good, and most certainly doesn’t involved someone who cares or loves me.

As of this week, I will be approaching around $2,000 saved. It would be more if there weren’t a few major financial snafu’s along the way this past month, but hopefully that won’t happen again.

I really only have slept in five total spots around the city outside so far. The first was where I slept the first night, outside my old apartment on the cold sidewalk, and don’t plan on doing anymore sidewalk sleeping if I can help it. The other locations I am keeping to myself as I don’t want them compromised and it is a pain to scout out new ones.

The biggest issue I’ve run into is bugs. I didn’t realize how many there are here in SF. Currently, I can easily spot over 35 bug bites on my face, and numerous other ones all over my body. When I sleep I usually keep my face outside the sleeping bag to keep cool, but also it isn’t really long enough. I’ve bought bug spray, but it hasn’t seemed to help much.

Besides my giant 23+lb backpack I really am not outwardly showing any of the signs associated with most homeless people, namely bad smelling, darkened and hardened skin, worn out clothes, etc. I shower daily after my 30 minutes of cardio at the gym and change my clothes on a daily basis after putting on a bit of cologne.

I am really hoping to save up the $8,000 necessary for major surgery, my abdominoplasty, by Chirstmas Day, and hopefully the projections show I will be able to. We will see.

I do have two great friends who are offering their couches, which fold into beds on pretty much one night a weekly basis right now which helps break up the stress, fear, bug bites, and everything else associated with sleeping outdoors. Thanks again to them.

I guess that is it for this update one month in…oh my birthday is September 11th, less than 2 weeks from now. I had a credit with SWA so I am flying up to Seattle to see some guys I know up there and get out of San Francisco for a weekend. I also am traveling back home to Florida to see my family and to spread my grandfather on my father’s side ashes as he just passed away.

Because I grew up heavy and my entire life until I decided to diet and exercise I was overweight, I have excess skin from a lifetime of being fat. I’ve had consultations with a few different plastic surgeons, who ALL agree that the proper procedure for me is an abdominoplasty, aka tummy tuck.

So don’t lump me in with these fat gross messes who choose not to the weight on their own…I FUCKING DID! I just want to complete the process, and finally feel good about how I look with my shirt off.

It is a bit time consuming for me to answer everyone’s questions each and every time they are asked, especially since most of the questions are repeated, so I will list them here, answer them, and update this post if need be.

Q) Why are you homeless? Is it some sort of social experiment?

A) No it isn’t some sort of social experiment. I have gone through this answer numerous times here, here, here, and here. The bottom line is that I lost 100lbs and for my body to adjust properly to the weight loss, it is recommended by multiple doctors that I get an abdominoplasty, aka tummy tuck, to get rid of the excess skin and residual fat. To get my torso in the most presentable fashion, it is also recommended that I get my flanks fixed as well as the removal of my Gynecomastia, aka male breasts, treated.

Q) Why not just save up and live some where?

A) I’ve NEVER been good with money, as evidenced in the course of my 20-some years here on earth. I have a horrible credit score, I have wage garnishment for my student loans, and basically live paycheck to paycheck. I can’t get financing for a $300 credit card, and was barely able to find a bank to offer me a checking account. I’ve been with my current job a little over a year now, and lived in one of the cheapest places I’ve ever seen in San Francisco at $775/month. I would scrape by paycheck to paycheck, often not having enough for food or anything else by the time the next paycheck came along.

I lived in my car for a little over a year before, and find rent to be one of the largest and unnecessary expenses in my life. I KNOW that 99.99% of you don’t see it this way, but I do, so fuck off. While living in my car, I didn’t have a set goal, like I do now for the surgery, but I was able to afford the things I wanted and live my life in a happy manor.

Q) Where will you shower?

A) I prepaid for a 2 year gym membership at 24 Hour Fitness through this offer at Costco for $299. That works out to just under $12.50 a month. I’ve NEVER seen a gym deal that good ever. This also gets me in the gym more often, aka every day in order to work out and subsequently shower.

Q) Are you crazy?

A) Read this. Short answer no, I just don’t think the same way, or have the same priorities as you may have.

Q) How soft is cement?

A) Not at all. After my 1st night on the streets, I need to get some sort of padding, or more cushy sleeping bag.

Q) What about a hostel, or cheaper place to live?

A) A hostel in San Francisco is around $25-$45 a night, and thus more than I was paying for rent before. I want to get to my goal of $8,000 as fast as possible. This is the quickest way I know. Check out this listing for apartments in San Francisco. Do you see ONE which is less than the $775 I was paying?

Q) Where does your mail go? Where do you keep your stuff?

A) I got a PO Box 1 block away from work, and I have a friend who has graciously offered his garage to me for a 2nd time since moving to San Francisco during this period to store my stuff.

Q) Are you gay?

A) Umm yes read this.

Q) How long will this last?

A) I am trying to save up the $8,000 needed for just the abdominoplasty part of the surgeries I want. This will take around 6 months by saving on my own. I would LOVE to get all of three procedures done at the same time, but the cost is around $15,000 for all three. The tummy tuck is the one considered most prominent by the doctors I’ve seen and thus it is the one I want the most.

Q) What can I do to help?

A) Well I am taking donations on this site, just click the Nick Tuck logo. Also if you have a place to crash for a night, few nights, etc. I’ll sleep in a garage, couch, backyard, etc I don’t care. Anything is better and safer than sleeping on the streets. Other than that referrals to Doctors who might perform the operation at a lower cost/pro bono, or just an encouraging word or email goes a long way.

Q) How much are you saving per month?

A) Well with my estimated expenses and based on my income, I am able to save around $1,500 a month, which is around 5 months and a few weeks to reach my goal. I am also trying to cut back as much a possible, and spend less than $20 a day on food and all other expenses. You can follow a Twitter account I made for that goal here (@20aDay). Also my main Twitter account is @NickStarr and I have one for my procedure @NickTuck.

I hope this answers a majority of the questions I have been getting in some fashion or another. Please feel free to leave more in the comments, on Twitter, Facebook, etc and I will add them to this list.

Updated:

Q) Why don’t you buy a junk car and park in a paid parking lot? (Mary from the comments)

A) Mary you most likely don’t live in San Francisco. Parking lots in the city range from $300+ per month in terms of parking. I HIGHLY doubt that they allow for people to live in cars in these lots either. Paying al this extra money for expenses which I don’t need such as a car, registration, insurance, and a garage will set me even further back on my goals.

Right now my life and the progression of it seems like it is stalled…its like this horrific vicious circle that I can’t get out of.

I can’t get a boyfriend, why?
Because I am fat and have loose skin whereas, why?
Because I lost a bunch of weight, but still don’t look like what I look like, why?
Because I can’t get a guy to go out with me or sleep with me more than once (and/or get a boyfriend), why?
… and so on and so on …

First let me remind you that I don’t subscribe to the whole “you can’t get someone to like you if you don’t like yourself first,” and I’ve detailed my thoughts on that here (so don’t even try to use that excuse).

Well I am breaking the circle. I am doing something about feeling better about myself, and how I look. That is why I am moving out of my apartment onto the streets of San Francisco in order to save up money for my surgery to get rid of the excess skin, fat and glands which are preventing me from looking like a normal citizen of the gay 20-something culture in San Francisco.

Do you agree? I doubt it, but look at it from my perspective. My 20′s are more going than coming these days. I’ve NEVER had a boyfriend, relationship with a guy, or so much as TWO dates with a guy who I liked or liked me. These are ALL things that every single person my age who I hang around with in SF have accomplished.

I see a fixable solution to my circle, and I am taking it. I am doing what needs to be done in order to accomplish my goals the fastest way I know. I’ve now had a few friends suggest that I sell my body for money in order to reach my goals faster. I don’t think they understand….I HATE MY BODY! My BODY has gotten me no where in terms of guys wanting to be with me after they see me nekkid once. Why on earth would someone pay to be with me, when I can’t even get someone to be with me more than once on my own?

Anyway, this is my decision. I am sticking to it for as long as I can. It is going to be a rough road ahead, but I look forward to looking back in a few months from now and realizing that the journey, no matter how rough, difficult, and unconventional it may be, will be worth it.

Nick Starr, 28, of San Francisco, weighed more than 250 pounds last year. Through diet and exercise, he shed more than 100 pounds, but he’s left with sagging skin and desperately wants plastic surgery to fix it. Always overweight, he’d wanted plastic surgery as long as he could remember but originally thought liposuction was the answer.

“I realized a tummy tuck was the better procedure for me now, since I have excess skin and fat which won’t go away, no matter how much I’ve worked out in the past year,” he said, adding that his consulting surgeon also suggested love-handle lipo and a breast reduction.

Starr admitted he’s never been good at managing money, so he’s taking an extreme measure to raise $8,000 for his abdominoplasty: becoming homeless.

“I had to change something. I was homeless, living in my car once before,” he explained, adding that now he doesn’t have wheels. “I figure I can do it without the car with a few months while I save up money for the tuck.”

Starr dubbed his journey Nick/Tuck and is chronicling his progress and accepting donations on his blog at www.nickstarr.com.

Like so many others, Starr feels plastic surgery is the solution to finally being happy inside out. Yaremchuk believes strongly that plastic surgery can be life-changing by improving appearance and boosting self-esteem, but he cautions patients that it’s not always the answer to “solve all life’s problems.”

Read

The result of growing up in size “hefty” and being overweight my entire life has left me with certain problem areas which won’t go away even with as much diet and exercise as I’ve been doing since deciding to lose weight. I’ve had personal trainers and my stomach, chest, and flanks just don’t seem to go down to a level where I would feel comfortable taking my shirt off in public, let alone in private.

I’ve decided to take some extreme measures in order to save up the money as quickly as possible, but living on the street is not a fun experience. The total cost of the Abdominoplasty alone is $8,000, but the surgeon recommended a $4,500 Gynecomastia, and $3,700 liposuction on my flanks, for a discounted total of $15,200. I’ve got thousands of friends on Facebook, Twitter, the blog here, may other social networks, and most importantly in real life. If you can offer any sort of assistance in my quest to become the best me I can, it is appreciated. A place to crash, a recommendation to a surgeon, a discount, a part time job, or even a simple donation it would be appreciated.

Feel free to email me or leave a comment, question, concern, etc. I appreciate any / all feedback and can’t say thank you enough for supporting me throughout all these years.

Those are the words I heard the plastic surgeon said Friday when I went for my consult. I explained that I had lost 100lbs starting January 2008 and got to 160 by Pride (end of June) last year, and have maintained a weight in the 150-140s ever since then. He explained that it was a good thing that I lost the weight when my body is still young enough to heal and not be so stretched out.

If I would of let myself go and not lost the weight when I did, I might be left with more extreme measures, but as it turns out my procedure won’t even be THAT major. Now any time you go under the knife it is a big and life threatening experience, but I don’t need a a belt lipectomy, I just need a simple tummy tuck. The surgeon will remove an amount of skin from the top of my belly button down to my public hair from hip bone to hip bone. The skin from my chest will then be pulled down and reattached to the lower part, thus making a flatter, tighter toroso.

Sounds sort of painful, but it is something that I’ve wanted for years.

I explained where I work and what I wanted out of the procedure. He even tried to explain to me that if I got lipo on my sides and chest that the results would be less than desirable and I would end up with flappy areas of skin. I was shocked that he wasn’t trying to “upsell” me, but rather turned me away with good reason on certain procedures.

The cost for this surgery will be signifigantly less than the full lower body lift I had origionally thought of. He is going to mail me a full quote, and I am going to see another few doctors for other opinions, but he extimated his fee at $5,000, the hospital fee of $1,300 plus $300/hour, and the anesthesiologist fee of $150/hour. I am thinking the cost will be around $7,000-$9,000 (which seems to be the average on most local doctor’s sites I’ve seen).

I still don’t have the funds for the surgery, and with my paycheck as it is this week, and with all the Pride activities, iPhone 3GS purchase, etc I won’t be able to afford my rent this month, so my plans of moving out are unchanged. In order to save up the needed $7,000 minimum, I estimate 3 1/2 months if I didn’t spend a single dime, but more likely 5-6 months living without an apartment.

Any help that you can provide will be appreciated. I will have donation buttons on the site soon, and if you have a sleeping bag, pillow, side project, part time job, an Atkins friendly meal, or place to let me crash for a night or two it would be GREATLY appreciated. It is going to be a long ~6 months, but I hope to make the best of it, and can’t wait to see the results of my dedication and efforts. The doctor took before shots, and I will see about taking some myself and posting the progress.

I also will be working out quite a bit more, and concentrating on my upper chest to get that in a presentable condition so that by the time I have my surgery I will feel comfortable with my shirt off at the beach, pool, or at some circuit party. I’ve ALWAYS wanted to go to Gus Presents Underworld party (I have a huge underwear fettish), but been too scared to with my current looks. Underworld will be the first event I go to post surgery healing with my new toroso. I am so excited and can’t wait for what the future has in store.

P.S. The picture of the before/after is not me, but a picture from the surgeon I saw today’s site.

My ENTIRE life I have been overweight, fat, picked on, teased, mocked, etc. My parents in 2nd grade started to take me to a therapist to talk about the bullies at school. This was not the first nor the last time I was in a shrink’s chair.

Throughout grade school I saw another doctor or two for talk therapy…the only thing which stopped the bullies and the people picking on me was moving to a school where no one knew me, and I could start over fresh.

After high school I became even more suicidal and depressed. I moved to Alabama with this girl I was seeing, but didn’t really like when I was around age 21. When we separated and she stole all the money out of my bank account, I walked in front of a Semi only to be saved by my room mate. My parents came up and brought me back home to stay with them. A few days later my mom tells me that she called bill collectors and made payment arrangements for me…something I didn’t ask her to do, nor did I ever plan on paying them back. I didn’t know what to say so I gave her the silent treatment on the ride home from work.

She called both my psychologist and psychiatrist which I started to see and they had me put in the mental ward as they thought I had blanked out like I did when I walked in front of the semi. I hadn’t and was just mad at my mom…now was even more pissed b/c she got me locked up for about 3 weeks.

This wasn’t the first nor the last trip to the mental ward. There were numerous trips over the next few months & years. I saw more doctors outside of the hospital…I tried so many combinations of pills all of which had no effect on me or my mental state. Talk therapy didn’t work…locking me up didn’t work (I literally escaped on 2 or 3 occasions…once I got so far as to hop in a cab in the hospital parking lot, but the rush of hospital workers pouring out of the hospital to try to get me stopped the cabbie.)

I have been so screwed up for my entire life. Hell the New York Times even published a story of my suicidal ideations in relation to Twitter. I’ve been in and out of mental wards, in and out of so many doctors couches for therapy my entire life…it just doesn’t help.

Since moving to San Francisco and being able to feel free about who I am and come out, I have been healthier…mentally and physically. I lost 100lbs since I moved out here and have really only had one major suicidal outbreak, although the thought still plagues my thoughts most nights.

As I mentioned before…as long as I knew of such a thing, I wanted weight loss surgery. I LOST 100 POUNDS ON MY OWN…BY GOING TO THE GYM AND EATING RIGHT. I am sick of people telling me, “just go to the gym” or “just eat right” …I FUCKING DO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have 100 pounds of weight loss to prove it you assholes. I now also have skin left over from being overweight my entire fucking life. I want to get rid of that, and I need to (both for my physical state, but also for my mental state).

So don’t fucking tell me to just go to the gym or start dieting…I have…and don’t tell me to just seek help…it doesn’t work. I will live my own life, you live yours.

That was one of the most devastating days of my life emotionally…and I will never forget it until the day I die.

I never really had a good childhood. I grew up being made fun of and picked on all throughout elementary and middle school. I went to a high school full of nerds, called the Center for Advanced Technologies where no one knew me and I could start over fresh. I wasn’t picked on…I became anorexic for a summer and dropped a ton of weight, and had a pretty successful stream of girlfriends (although I didn’t lose my virginity until after high school).

Fast forward 10 years later. I ballooned upwards of 245lbs and was above 200 for a number of years. My body type (apparently) and years of not eating right had expanded my body in ways I am not proud of. I literally don’t go swimming, and in the rare case I do, I wear a shirt. I try to make it a point to leave my shirt on during sex. I wear black every day to hide what horrific scenes lie under my shirt.

I’m a mess….I hate how I look. I want to be able to go to an even with my friends…take off my shirt, dance, and feel free. I can’t do that without the fear of feeling different and having people look at me and think how ugly my body is.

I also can’t afford liposuction or what I really now want, a full body tuck (belt lipectomy). I have a stomach that won’t go away and love handles which would be corrected by such a surgery. At my lowest weight ever I was at 145 a few months ago when I was seeing a personal trainer, but still couldn’t shake the excess fat stored from when I used to be 100 pounds heavier. So…

I’ve decide to stop going out so much, stop spending my money on frivolously things and save every dime which I don’t need to live on towards a surgery which is estimated to cost between $13k-$20k. I’m not sure how much anyone has followed my life, but rent is one of the most frivolous expenses to me. I’ve moved into my car twice in my life, once for over a year. I have no problem living that lifestyle (even though I don’t have a car anymore…meaning I would literally be on the streets), so I am going to put in my 30 day notice (which I pre-paid my last month when I moved in) to my landlord at the end of the month and move out. I plan on saving every dime I make, getting a second job, and in the hopes that in maybe 6-8 months I can afford the procedure.

This is something I need to do for myself mentally as much as physically; I don’t think I will ever get over my hatred of my body until I do. I have a friend who has offered to let me store a box full of my stuff that I don’t sell at his place, and I plan on downgrading my life significantly for the time being. Hopefully, if everything works out sometime around the new year I will be a new thinner, more average man. I don’t want to fear being shirtless anymore.

One year later I couldn’t even imagine going back to being in the closet. It was such a liberating feeling. My family was accepting, my friends were accepting, and I think that the country has become more accepting. Every few weeks there are news stories about other states lifting gay marriage bans. It is really an amazing time to be living in for people in the community.

I can’t say that everything the past year was easy, but I’ve been a happier and healthier person. I used to experience severe fits of depression, and they are very few and far between now, and less severe. I’m still keeping the weight off which I lost last year. I am just healthier than I’ve ever been in most of my life, mentally and physically. 

I still haven’t found a relationship or a really close friend, but I think I am becoming better friends with the ones I have, and I dated someone for the first time in over 7 years. I’m sure happiness and love will come in time, until then just ignore my rants on Twiter about love not existing.

If you are thinking about coming out…do so. It will be one of the best things you could ever do. I haven’t regretted doing it for a moment. 

Read my coming out post here.

That being said, what is the average amount or percent which I should set aside for myself? Right now I estimate that after bills, not including food, I have around $1300 extra a month left over. I just got my tax return, so I am in the green right now (although it might be going towards a deposit on a new apartment). I would like to set aside $250 into a seperate savings account, which is already setup through work, but I always end up needing to pull it every paycheck. Now that I am ahead right now, I am going to try to build that up. 

So with food costs being miniminal…I maybe spend a few hundred a month on food. With the $250 savings, and lets say food is another $250, I have around $800 per month in which I can “play with.” A night out typically consists of pulling $40 out of the ATM, and spending most, but never all of it. Going out on JUST Friday & Saturday every week is about $320. I typically go out on Thursdays and often Sundays as well. With all of that, it brings my total to $640 on going out…..only $160 left of my disposable income. 

Ugh…I think I need a second job.

I have been single since 2002, when I was dating this girl (yes a girl) who was married and had children, but was in the beginning stages of a divorce. It was a VERY messy breakup, and things went horrifically wrong. The girl and I were ….well let me explain this first. I am VERY codependent. In this girlfriend I found someone who was like me in more ways than I ever imagined possible. Ultimately it didn’t work out, and we separated. I moved back to Florida and moved on with my life.

Before 2002 and this girlfriend, not during, but after the breakup I have been attracted to men and gone on to do things with other guys. This is really no secret, but the entire time which I have been attracted to guys, not ONCE have I had a boyfriend. Now the last relationship was in 2002. Here is where I get pissed off when people say, “Sometimes you need to stop looking.” Since 2002….SEVEN FUCKING YEARS AGO, I have gone through periods of REALLY doing anything I could to get in a relationship, and MANY times where I just couldn’t be bothered with one. Hell I lived in my car for over a year, and that entire time there was no way that I was looking for a relationship. So…by your “logic” when I’m not looking I am bound to find a relationship…WRONG!

Okay, let’s take into account that I’ve only been “datable” looking (I was really fat before… and still have fat left over, but I’m hoping to get Belt lipectomy sometime within the next year) for say 7 months now. During that time frame I have been working, going out, making “friends”, etc. I have had periods where I was far too busy to concentrate on looking for a boyfriend. Only until recently, did I actively start looking for one. I signed up for Chemistry.com on Christmas Day, and spent $159 for a 6 month membership. Since then I have had not one….not even ONE…person contact me back on there, and apparently I’ve gone so far as exhaust all available “candidates” in San Francisco, that Chemistry is now trying to connect me with people as far away as Sacramento (remember I don’t have a car).

I really don’t want to be mean sounding, but I can’t stand hearing people say, “Just stop looking and it will happen.” That ISN’T TRUE…and don’t believe it when people tell you it is. If you want something you have to go out of your way to get it yourself. You can’t count on anyone in this world but yourself, and if you want something you must be willing to fight tooth and nail for it.

My friend Martina and I were talking earlier in the day when I was deciding if I wanted to go. I sort of thought the guy was attractive, but felt like I might be forcing myself to like him if things didn’t go well because I want a relationship, or as Marcus says, “I’m relationship orientated.” Actually Marcus said that about Andy (the guy from last night).

After dinner we go to The Mix and it is really loud. I’m getting over a cold and with the loud noise, I had to speak louder then normal, and wound up nearly losing my voice by the end of the night. Here at The Mix is where things started to go downhill. He would mention this guy or that guy was hot, and I sort of just brushed it off, or was like, oh yeah I guess…. Well this didn’t stop there.

Oh let me explain the title of this post. I sort of went off my diet between Christmas day and New Year’s…so I decided to re-start the induction phase of Atkins, which means no more then 20 carbs a day, and no BAD carbs..aka beer. I’ve never liked the taste of alcohol at all, and can only barely stand the taste of beer & wine, so when I go out that is what I drink. I haven’t had a drink in about a week now, so I’ve been drinking diet coke and water when I go out.

We head to The Lookout for Social Club and blow right by the $4 cover as we were on the list and knew the promoter. Some other friends were there including Marcus, Aaron, and a number of other people. Andy is drinking vodka cran’s all night and I don’t mind while I’m drinking my waters and diet cokes. It was very busy at The Lookout with tons of hot guys, and Andy kept pointing that out.

Subplot: I ran into this guy at The Lookout who I apparently I had spoken with during a party at The Castro Street Fair. I unfortunately couldn’t remember him, but we talked for a few minutes and he seemed like a really nice guy…and cute.

Andy late in the night (around 1am) tells me he wants to go to Badlands because…AND I QUOTE, “I can tell I am not going to meet anyone here tonight.” Now here is where the evening really took a turn for the worse. Marcus had asked me when we go to The Lookout how it was going, 1 being OMG AMAZING, and 5 being shoot me now. I said 2 at the time…once Andy said this, I texted Marcus and said that the evening, “turned into a 4.”

We head to Badlands and it is packed, but not nearly as many hot guys. Andy gets pretty drunk at this point…while I’m drinking my water…and by the end of the night wants to dance…I barely dance when I’m drunk…sober, not going to happen. I go out to the dance area and stand there while he dances a bit, then sees a guy and goes over to start talking him up. I think the night is pretty much at level 5 now. He does a shot at last call and some guy buys him another one right after that. Him and this other guy (not even the one he was talking to) are now DRUNK.

Back to the subplot: While I was walking out, the guy from The Lookout was leaving Badlands as well. We talk for a bit and he says, “enjoy later tonight.” I explain to him that there I am going home alone tonight..and won’t be going home with Andy whatsoever. He says he is too, now we are being shuffled out the door, and I jokingly say, “oh really? Where do you live?” He was already out the door and I really had to go to the bathroom so I run back and go….STUPID ME! I should of gone out side and at least gotten his number. He was with this other guy all night, and I guess they were just friends by his last comment. I didn’t realize that until then, hence why I wasn’t more outgoing earlier. Hopefully I will see this guy again….

Well after I leave the bathroom I see Andy and this other drunk guy still inside. I am outside now, trying to find the guy who I was was mentioned in the subplot. I see the 33 bus coming and realize it will take me 3 blocks from home…it is REALLY cold last night and I didn’t feel like walking the 1 mile home, so I run to catch the bus and head home.

Andy texts me asking where I was…I said I was heading home…It seemed like I was a fall back if he didn’t find someone else. I didn’t really like that feeling, and while my actions with subplot guy were friendly, they weren’t out of line like the comments Andy was making all night.

He texted me this morning, and literally 10 seconds ago asking what I was up to. I think I’m going to hit up the gym then who knows what. I am sort of proud of myself that I didn’t say, ehh it is just sex and go home with Andy anyway.

Well…until my next “dinner” I guess…although they are unfortunately too few and far between.

Two thousand eight…2008….wow what a year. I don’t even know where to begin. I started the year off…well I don’t even remember what I did for New Year’s Eve last year. The year started off though for me when I joined a gym and actually started going for real. I set a goal in February to change my life and body and come down from my all time high weight of 220-230 down to 160 within 120 days. This was surprisingly not as difficult as I would of thought, and while I still hate doing the weights at the gym, cardio is something I am less scared of now. I met my goal ahead of schedule, in time for the 2008 San Francisco Pride fest. 

Speaking of which, I also finally came out this year. It was one of the scariest few weeks of my life as I drafted my email/post which I would send to my family and friends, and post on the site here. I got a reply from my mom a few hours before I had planned on posting it on the site and to my shock they took it a lot better then I would of thought. 

It was one of the biggest reliefs after I hit submit ever. It was like a weight lifted, and I finally feel free to be myself without trying to hide who I am. 

I got to travel quite a bit this year as well. I went to Toronto, Chicago, Milwaukee, Las Vegas, Seattle, Los Angeles, and back to where I grew up in Tampa Bay, Florida to see my family for the first time since I moved out to San Francisco nearly a year and half ago.

HA! I also finally cut my hair, after years of growing it out and thinking that it looked good…wow was I blind or who knows what. It really was a transformational year for me. Quite a lot of changes, and hopefully 2009 will lead to more changes. 

I am really proud of myself and accomplishing nearly everything I set out to do in 2008. In 2009 I want to set some tougher goals and hope that I can be as successful. I want to not just lose weight, but tone up and get over my dread of working weights at the gym. I want to more then double what I can bench press, which isn’t much at all, and have a body I am proud to show off when I head to Gay Days Disneyworld in June. I also REALLY need to get my finances in line. I am looking to getting a second job part time in order to help jump start this process, but I would really like to set aside 25% of my paycheck into a savings account, and build up a few month buffer as a ‘rainy day fund.’ Right now I am literally living payday advance to payday advance and often have little to no money by the time it is time to pay bills. 

Also a sort of major thing for me is to get out more (I know I go out to bars all the time, but I mean in other venues), and go out on dates which hopefully will lead to a relationship. I have been single since 2002, when I was living with a girlfriend in Portland, Oregon. A lot in my life has changed since then, and I would like to share my life with someone else. I’ve signed up for 6 months on Chemistry.com (for $159) and hope this jump starts the process. I might sign up for Match.com as I sort of have become not a fan of the way Chemistry.com works by sending you only a select few matches. 

I also want to develop friendships in 2009. I have a TON of “friends” as I see it. Plenty of people I see at various parties, clubs, bars, etc who know me and vice versa

 and the conversation is always small talk yet nothing of substance. Sometimes it is nothing more then a, “Hey…” I really feel as if I don’t have any REAL friends here though. I want to develop friendships hopefully with some of the people already in my life, but also others who I might not know yet. I really feel alone here in San Francisco at times, like there is no one who KNOWS me. I know that a lot people who read my stuff online know more then anything my “friends” here know about me. I don’t even think a single one of my gay “friends” know that I lived in my car for over a year, or any of the other major events which have shaped my life. It really is depressing at times feeling so alone in a city where I know so many people. 

Well that was my 2008, and hopes and dreams for 2009. I hope that I can be as successful this upcoming year as I was last. Regardless I’m sure that there will be no shortage of stories and exciting adventures which I will be sure to write about here as well as on Twitter (my microblog). I look forward to seeing what the future has in store.