I think a lot of people have a hard time understanding the things I do, the way I act, and the reason for me being so open and public about everything. I want to see if maybe I can explain a bit of logic behind my reasoning, and at the same time express what some people fail to understand, I desperately want to have a friend and boyfriend by my side…in fact I feel I NEED that.
I am codependent.
This statement is at the core of everything I do. It is the answer to all of the questions and reason for nearly everything I do. My entire life, I grew up in size husky jeans, I was teased all throughout Elementary and Middle school, I was mocked, picked on, and teased. I turned to the church as my parents made us go, and that didn’t help either. I would go on to be teased for my beliefs. I never found anywhere that I fit in, and honestly to this day still haven’t.
High school was different, I found my first real and only so far in my life best friend. We hung out almost daily and had quite a bit in common. Post high school we kept in contact until he ended up dating, and eventually marrying a girl who disliked me, and thus we lost touch.
Since that point, I’ve never really had someone I can ask to go out to the movies with, or call up for a quick dinner, or drink. I have people who care about me namely my family, and one or two people in San Francisco, but no real “call up and grab a quick drink or movie or plan a trip together” type friends. I desperately need that.
See even though I lost 100lbs after moving to San Francisco, I still am at heart that 250lb 2nd grader getting mocked and friendless in my head. I was out on a date this past Friday, and he brought up my posting about having so much sex while in Chicago and posting about it on Twitter. His first thought was that, “this guy hates himself.” He hit the nail on the head… I HATE MYSELF.
My entire life, I was told I wasn’t as good as, wasn’t as attractive as, wasn’t as successful as…etc. This permeates my every thought on a daily basis. I don’t feel as if I’m attractive enough for someone to want to be with me, and am often quite shocked myself that someone would want to be with me physically. So, because of this, in having sex with some random guy validates me if only for a brief few minutes. Yet that isn’t enough, I feel the need for others to know that I’m worthwhile, I’m attractive enough, and that someone else actually thinks so…this is why I post about my random sexual encounters.
I need that validation. Based on my my life expectancy, my life is nearly half over…and there is nothing that is going to be able to change that…that I need to have some sort of validation to even slightly make me feel worthwhile and like myself. I have never been happy a moment in my life unless I had someone by my side to experience it with me.
This is why more than ANYTHING I want a boyfriend. People often see my post about random sexual encounters and think that is all I want…it couldn’t be further from the truth. Having a relationship would provide the constant validation that I need to feel like a worthwhile member of society.
I engage in random sexual acts because I need the validation, and based on decades of previous experiences, I’m not going to be getting a boyfriend anytime soon. I need to have something to make me feel a sense of worth, so in the meantime I have to settle for what I can get.
Now does being promiscuous perhaps turn away potential suitors, perhaps, but at the same time the moment I go out with a person, I refrain from any sexual encounters, flirting, cruising, etc of ANYONE else. After the date with Sam this past Friday, I had brunch with a friend and discussed how until I found out where things were going (turns out no where) that I was abstaining from anyone else. I so desperately need for something to work with a guy and at the even brief chance of it happening, I am do everything in my power to not wreck it.
That being said, public opinion might be that I’m only out to hook up, but that isn’t the case at all…I want someone by my side. In a heartbeat I would do anything necessary to keep what might have the potential for a future.
So why not hang out with someone I hook up with again? Well I’ve tried that…I would get their number, text for a few days…sometimes they would write back, but more often they wouldn’t. It seems as if San Francisco, especially people my age and younger aren’t so much interested in dating when it is so easy to find someone to hook up with…I however am. I have turned a few hookups into a date, but as evidenced here, they never went any further than that.
I want to address the whole “you aren’t going to find anyone until you love yourself” notion. THAT ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN! No matter how many people nor times I hear it. I simply cannot love myself unless I have the validation of someone else. I’ve been dealing with therapist trying to get me to love myself since I started seeing a shrink in 2nd grade. THIS ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN. I will never ever love myself, unless I have someone to first love me. This is just how my brain functions… I will literally block any commenter, or reply to anyone who dares to try to suggest otherwise.
That being said, more than anything I just need to be liked, to be loved, to have someone acknowledge that I exist and that I’m worth something. Until I have that, and even more so when I do get it, I will continue to feel the need to express the brief moments of acceptance in a public fashion in order to let others know that I’m worth something. I need to have someone in my life who can provide this for me.