I think a lot of people have a hard time understanding the things I do, the way I act, and the reason for me being so open and public about everything. I want to see if maybe I can explain a bit of logic behind my reasoning, and at the same time express what some people fail to understand, I desperately want to have a friend and boyfriend by my side…in fact I feel I NEED that.
I am codependent.
This statement is at the core of everything I do. It is the answer to all of the questions and reason for nearly everything I do. My entire life, I grew up in size husky jeans, I was teased all throughout Elementary and Middle school, I was mocked, picked on, and teased. I turned to the church as my parents made us go, and that didn’t help either. I would go on to be teased for my beliefs. I never found anywhere that I fit in, and honestly to this day still haven’t.
High school was different, I found my first real and only so far in my life best friend. We hung out almost daily and had quite a bit in common. Post high school we kept in contact until he ended up dating, and eventually marrying a girl who disliked me, and thus we lost touch.
Since that point, I’ve never really had someone I can ask to go out to the movies with, or call up for a quick dinner, or drink. I have people who care about me namely my family, and one or two people in San Francisco, but no real “call up and grab a quick drink or movie or plan a trip together” type friends. I desperately need that.
See even though I lost 100lbs after moving to San Francisco, I still am at heart that 250lb 2nd grader getting mocked and friendless in my head. I was out on a date this past Friday, and he brought up my posting about having so much sex while in Chicago and posting about it on Twitter. His first thought was that, “this guy hates himself.” He hit the nail on the head… I HATE MYSELF.
My entire life, I was told I wasn’t as good as, wasn’t as attractive as, wasn’t as successful as…etc. This permeates my every thought on a daily basis. I don’t feel as if I’m attractive enough for someone to want to be with me, and am often quite shocked myself that someone would want to be with me physically. So, because of this, in having sex with some random guy validates me if only for a brief few minutes. Yet that isn’t enough, I feel the need for others to know that I’m worthwhile, I’m attractive enough, and that someone else actually thinks so…this is why I post about my random sexual encounters.
I need that validation. Based on my my life expectancy, my life is nearly half over…and there is nothing that is going to be able to change that…that I need to have some sort of validation to even slightly make me feel worthwhile and like myself. I have never been happy a moment in my life unless I had someone by my side to experience it with me.
This is why more than ANYTHING I want a boyfriend. People often see my post about random sexual encounters and think that is all I want…it couldn’t be further from the truth. Having a relationship would provide the constant validation that I need to feel like a worthwhile member of society.
I engage in random sexual acts because I need the validation, and based on decades of previous experiences, I’m not going to be getting a boyfriend anytime soon. I need to have something to make me feel a sense of worth, so in the meantime I have to settle for what I can get.
Now does being promiscuous perhaps turn away potential suitors, perhaps, but at the same time the moment I go out with a person, I refrain from any sexual encounters, flirting, cruising, etc of ANYONE else. After the date with Sam this past Friday, I had brunch with a friend and discussed how until I found out where things were going (turns out no where) that I was abstaining from anyone else. I so desperately need for something to work with a guy and at the even brief chance of it happening, I am do everything in my power to not wreck it.
That being said, public opinion might be that I’m only out to hook up, but that isn’t the case at all…I want someone by my side. In a heartbeat I would do anything necessary to keep what might have the potential for a future.
So why not hang out with someone I hook up with again? Well I’ve tried that…I would get their number, text for a few days…sometimes they would write back, but more often they wouldn’t. It seems as if San Francisco, especially people my age and younger aren’t so much interested in dating when it is so easy to find someone to hook up with…I however am. I have turned a few hookups into a date, but as evidenced here, they never went any further than that.
I want to address the whole “you aren’t going to find anyone until you love yourself” notion. THAT ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN! No matter how many people nor times I hear it. I simply cannot love myself unless I have the validation of someone else. I’ve been dealing with therapist trying to get me to love myself since I started seeing a shrink in 2nd grade. THIS ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN. I will never ever love myself, unless I have someone to first love me. This is just how my brain functions… I will literally block any commenter, or reply to anyone who dares to try to suggest otherwise.
That being said, more than anything I just need to be liked, to be loved, to have someone acknowledge that I exist and that I’m worth something. Until I have that, and even more so when I do get it, I will continue to feel the need to express the brief moments of acceptance in a public fashion in order to let others know that I’m worth something. I need to have someone in my life who can provide this for me.
Forget telling you to love yourself to find a relationship, my advice is to stop being a narcistic, selfish ass. The best advice is to look at attractive people and identify behaviors that they have that make then attractive. Kind- yes, giving- yes, funny, upbeat yes and yes.
BE THE TYPE YOU WANT
That’s a poor excuse for the way you conduct yourself. Your self-loathing feelings are not unique. Others may sleep around for the same reason, but they are not being as careless as you.
“I will literally block any commenter, or reply to anyone who dares to try to suggest otherwise.”
Of course you would. Because you don’t want to hear the truth.
How on earth am I being careless about it? I am respectful and make sure to take the appropriate precautions with everyone I sleep with.
In the second to last paragraph, you’ve answered your own question. And the answer is: you, yourself, are incapable of loving. You admit you cannot love yourself. As a result, you will never be able to love anyone else. It’s apparent to everyone, and as this is apparent on your first date with anyone, so why would they even bother with a second?
You either need to figure out how to enjoy being alone, or get into some HARDCORE therapy to get to the bottom of your deep-rooted feelings that cause you to be incapable of loving not only others, but yourself.
@Abel you obviously didn’t read … I am more than capable of loving someone else, and would give up anything in this world to have that and be able to give my love for another.
I’ve had hardcore therapy and it never helped out one bit. There is no cure to my hatred for myself, besides the love from another.
I think your Twitter posts speak for themselves. You may be a charming and attractive individual BUT YOUR BEHAVIOR IS NOT. The reason you are the way you are IS BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE TO BE THIS WAY. Sure, you have scars from your past, A LOT OF PEOPLE DO. That does not, however, give you a carte blanche to advertise your promiscuity ,self-loathing views, and attack your friends on Twitter. You have needs. Fine. DON’T ADVERTISE IT. You don’t have to love yourself, fine. BUT at least give someone else the chance to like you. What you advertise is narcissism.
I’m well aware you *think* you’re capable of loving someone else. But the simple fact of the matter is, you’re not.
You want the entire universe to change to suit your circumstances without your having to lift a finger. Sorry, it doesn’t work that way. And I find it hard to believe you’ve had any more than a cursory attempt at therapy… it takes years, even decades of hard, painful work and the admission of uncomfortable truths about yourself to see results.
Either you don’t want help, or you’re afraid of the hard work involved with therapy. The choice to take that first earnest step forward is yours to make.
@Abel Yep you are right..you OBVIOUSLY know me..and know that I’ve never been locked up in mental hospitals… that I’ve never seen a single therapist for years and years…and that I’ve never taken nearly every single drug for depression on the market…oh wait… nope…YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME…GO FUCK YOURSELF!
I don’t want anything to change…mainly because I know it can’t. I’ve tried to change and it doesn’t work…I will never ever ever love myself without having the validation from another. And you saying that “I’m not able to love someone” is simply your opinion… the few times I’ve been close to the potential with another person I’ve dedicated every fiber of my being towards making them know how I feel and doing anything I can to expand on those feelings.
That being said, your IP is now blocked from further comments…Good day sir.
And, everything ‘L’ said above is mad truth.
Once again you sit and attack others without looking at your own actions.
Therapy, drugs, etc. who cares.
You are right. Maybe finding someone will make a lot of things in your life go better.
The problem, once again, is that the chance of you finding someone is going to be slim with all the trash you have written about yourself on this blog and your twitter. Not attractive. And if you find someone to date who has no problem with your blog or twitter, that person is probably not good for you anyway.
Stick to tech blogging and leave your personal trash out of the public domain. And you still need therapy even if you don’t think it works. Your blogging and tweeting are obviously therapeutic. Unfortunately they do more harm than good to your personal life.
So you’re saying for the record that you have no frontal lobe, just a brainstem. You can decide, only react to your environment. Your this because of that.
Sad thing is, if you put half the time and energy into developing your soul that you spend on your body, you wouldn’t have any of these problems.
You’ll always be a loser, and the sad part is that it’s your choice. Fine, you’re right. Give up. Why did you even bother posting this garbage anyway? Enjoy your misery, I’m done with you.
PS. Better ban this IP address as well (I moved to different coffee shop)
like a old friends of yours would tell ya…. KILL YOURSELF
I actually had sympathy for you until I realized you are really worthless. You are lucky that you can even get a date. Your actions have pretty much solidified that you will be single forever. Why would anyone EVER want to date you? Why would anyone even touch your sleep with you? You are disgusting. And your ugliness starts from the inside out. Seek help. You are pathetic. Don’t you wonder why you have no friends? It is quite obvious as to why that is.
Hey Nick,
I haven’t seen you in years but I just stopped into your blog.
As I’ve said before on here, I can really relate to the pain you feel. It’s extremely hard.
You’re right that it might never heal, but I do think it can be lessened.
The number one thing I’d suggest is to focus on other people rather than yourself, on loving every person you encounter, expecting nothing in return.
When you meet someone, think “what good can I do for this person?” Maybe you could say something encouraging, or do something to make their life better (like using your technology skills), or maybe just smile at them. There are so many possibilities.
You may feel bad about your flaws, but by spreading love and goodness, you’re doing something great. By being a conduit for something great, you really are great!
Actually, God wants to use you to spread love. God loves to use people who might not be perfect to do great things because it makes it all the more amazing:
“Consider your own calling, brothers and sisters.
Not many of you were wise by human standards,
not many were powerful,
not many were of noble birth.
Rather, God chose the foolish of the world to shame the wise,
and God chose the weak of the world to shame the strong,
and God chose the lowly and despised of the world,
those who count for nothing,
to reduce to nothing those who are something,
so that no human being might boast before God.” (1 Corinthians 26-29)
Also, forgive those who have harmed you. Recognize that they make mistakes just like you. They were once children who experienced abuse. Don’t just forgive them; love them. Love everyone, including those who have harmed you.
You have so many wonderful gifts you can offer to the world! You are a blessing!
On a pragmatic level, you might want to read the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” It could be helpful.
Still, try to avoid the temptation to bring people into your life just so you can “get something” from them, even if it’s love. Remember, you are a gift!
Consider this prayer:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen
Get a life Jimmy.
Maybe if you didn’t go around insulting everyone all the time you might have more people who would love you. The latest example being your rude tweet about IBR, which is what brought me here. Pissed me off.
But despite all of that there is something about you that I find intriguing. We are almost total opposites. In my personal life (as opposed to my activist side which is very different) I am introverted and tend to hold everything in until I can’t stand it anymore (then watch out) while you say everything you are feeling without regard to how it affects others. We would both be better off if we were just a little more like the other but unfortunately we don’t get to choose our basic personality type.
We obviously could never be lovers because I’m overweight (though less so than I used to be) and black (which is never going to change), not to mention 55 years old, but we could be friends, at least from my point of view. So if you ever want someone to go have a beer with (money is tight so dinner might not always be possible) or just someone to talk to over the phone send me an email.
I completely feel for you and understand how you feel minus the advertising have walked in your shoes I pray everyday that it will get better !
just like you havent found the right man to love, maybe you havent found the right therapist to help sort all this out. it is a possibility.
some of us are never gonna give up on you…