Why Am I The Way I Am?

I think a lot of people have a hard time understanding the things I do, the way I act, and the reason for me being so open and public about everything. I want to see if maybe I can explain a bit of logic behind my reasoning, and at the same time express what some people fail to understand, I desperately want to have a friend and boyfriend by my side…in fact I feel I NEED that.

I am codependent.

This statement is at the core of everything I do. It is the answer to all of the questions and reason for nearly everything I do. My entire life, I grew up in size husky jeans, I was teased all throughout Elementary and Middle school, I was mocked, picked on, and teased. I turned to the church as my parents made us go, and that didn’t help either. I would go on to be teased for my beliefs. I never found anywhere that I fit in, and honestly to this day still haven’t.

High school was different, I found my first real and only so far in my life best friend. We hung out almost daily and had quite a bit in common. Post high school we kept in contact until he ended up dating, and eventually marrying a girl who disliked me, and thus we lost touch.

Since that point, I’ve never really had someone I can ask to go out to the movies with, or call up for a quick dinner, or drink. I have people who care about me namely my family, and one or two people in San Francisco, but no real “call up and grab a quick drink or movie or plan a trip together” type friends. I desperately need that.

See even though I lost 100lbs after moving to San Francisco, I still am at heart that 250lb 2nd grader getting mocked and friendless in my head. I was out on a date this past Friday, and he brought up my posting about having so much sex while in Chicago and posting about it on Twitter. His first thought was that, “this guy hates himself.” He hit the nail on the head… I HATE MYSELF.

My entire life, I was told I wasn’t as good as, wasn’t as attractive as, wasn’t as successful as…etc. This permeates my every thought on a daily basis. I don’t feel as if I’m attractive enough for someone to want to be with me, and am often quite shocked myself that someone would want to be with me physically. So, because of this, in having sex with some random guy validates me if only for a brief few minutes. Yet that isn’t enough, I feel the need for others to know that I’m worthwhile, I’m attractive enough, and that someone else actually thinks so…this is why I post about my random sexual encounters.

I need that validation. Based on my my life expectancy, my life is nearly half over…and there is nothing that is going to be able to change that…that I need to have some sort of validation to even slightly make me feel worthwhile and like myself. I have never been happy a moment in my life unless I had someone by my side to experience it with me.

This is why more than ANYTHING I want a boyfriend. People often see my post about random sexual encounters and think that is all I want…it couldn’t be further from the truth. Having a relationship would provide the constant validation that I need to feel like a worthwhile member of society.

I engage in random sexual acts because I need the validation, and based on decades of previous experiences, I’m not going to be getting a boyfriend anytime soon. I need to have something to make me feel a sense of worth, so in the meantime I have to settle for what I can get.

Now does being promiscuous perhaps turn away potential suitors, perhaps, but at the same time the moment I go out with a person, I refrain from any sexual encounters, flirting, cruising, etc of ANYONE else. After the date with Sam this past Friday, I had brunch with a friend and discussed how until I found out where things were going (turns out no where) that I was abstaining from anyone else. I so desperately need for something to work with a guy and at the even brief chance of it happening, I am do everything in my power to not wreck it.

That being said, public opinion might be that I’m only out to hook up, but that isn’t the case at all…I want someone by my side. In a heartbeat I would do anything necessary to keep what might have the potential for a future.

So why not hang out with someone I hook up with again? Well I’ve tried that…I would get their number, text for a few days…sometimes they would write back, but more often they wouldn’t. It seems as if San Francisco, especially people my age and younger aren’t so much interested in dating when it is so easy to find someone to hook up with…I however am. I have turned a few hookups into a date, but as evidenced here, they never went any further than that.

I want to address the whole “you aren’t going to find anyone until you love yourself” notion. THAT ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN! No matter how many people nor times I hear it. I simply cannot love myself unless I have the validation of someone else. I’ve been dealing with therapist trying to get me to love myself since I started seeing a shrink in 2nd grade. THIS ISN’T GOING TO HAPPEN. I will never  ever love myself, unless I have someone to first love me. This is just how my brain functions… I will literally block any commenter, or reply to anyone who dares to try to suggest otherwise.

That being said, more than anything I just need to be liked, to be loved, to have someone acknowledge that I exist and that I’m worth something. Until I have that, and even more so when I do get it, I will continue to feel the need to express the brief moments of acceptance in a public fashion in order to let others know that I’m worth something. I need to have someone in my life who can provide this for me.

Updated History of Dating Nick (Tatum & Sam)

Here is an update to the most recent two dates I’ve had…granted they are nearly a year apart, but alas, I don’t get many dates… both involve a horrible first date, and no second date in sight…ever… In fact I’ve never had a second date with anyone. The entire history of dating Nick can be found here.

[Updated Jan 23rd, 2011]

Tatum (March 2010)- We met on some iOS app for gay dating/hookup. We talked for a bit, and finally decided to meet, and had dinner down by Stanford where he was going to school. The date went very wrong fast when he asked me when the last time I had sex was, and in my open and honest nature, I told him it was the day previous. His entire demeanor changed after that. It didn’t go well whatsoever. We did continue to hang out occasionally, and not date, but just go out as friends more or less…although he did meet my parents when they were in town and took us to the Tonga Room. Eventually, I told him I just wasn’t attracted to him, and that it wasn’t going anywhere.

Sam (Jan 21, 2010)- Sam and I also met on a gay hookup/ dating app when he was in town for No Pants day (apparently he has a history of going to such events based on his facebook albums). We talked for about 3 weeks, and he was quite sweet in trying to work around my schedule for when we would eventually go out. While we were talking and before we met, I went to Chicago and had a sex crazed weekend, and tweeted about it. He went to New Orleans that same weekend and spent it with and I quote, “the boy who would be his boyfriend, if it weren’t for the distance and the fact that he smoked.” We eventually had a nice dinner (although the yams were the best part about the food). We talked about our various tech habits, new apps, jobs, etc. The conversation went quite well, at this point there wasn’t any obvious chemistry, but that might be because he was waiting to spring my past weekend in Chicago on me. On the ride over to The Crunchies after party he stared asking me about my weekend in Chicago, quoting tweets to me such as this one, and this, and this. He told me that 5 of his friends independent of each other had sent him to my Twitter page to read thru my lascivious activities the previous weekend. No matter how much I tried to explain that while I very much do want a boyfriend, in the meantime I also have needs, wants, desires, etc…and I have always been open and honest about everything…it’s in part why so many people follow me online. Well my behavior the previous weekend was quite the turn off apparently to him. He drove me home and walked me to my front door. We spoke the next day, to which he expressed a desire to never see me again…. making that 1st date number 12…2nd date number zero still.

Matthew Lush (@MatthewLush) Suggests Gays Commit Suicide

Matthew Lush, ‘An Internet celebrity who is also known as “gay god” (Urban Dictionary),’ in his most recent YouTube video titled Gay Talk UNCENSORED (at 4:46) was asked if he found himself married in a couple years. Matthew Lush goes on to reply that while he would like to be married by 25. Lush goes on to say, “I don’t want to be like 30 and alone because that would be really sad and I would just want to kill myself.” Matthew Lush, I am 30 and alone… should I kill myself?

Start video at 4 minutes 47 seconds.

I grew up in a very Christian household, and thus felt I couldn’t be my true self when I was living there, and even after moving out. I was deathly afraid that if I went a gay bar someone might recognize me and it get back to my family and friends. I created a fake name when trying to meet guys locally. I even would drive over 100 miles each way from the Tampa Bay area to Orlando, Florida to go to gay clubs because I was afraid. Afraid of coming out, afraid of who I was, afraid that it was a sin and I would spend eternity in hell.

Because of my upbringing and fears, I wasn’t able to come out until after I packed up and moved into my car and moved all the way to San Francisco. I still didn’t even feel comfortable coming out until after living here 7 months. Finally May 19, 2008, when I was 27 (and a half) years old, I finally felt free enough to come out to not just myself, but family, friends, followers, anyone and everyone.

Because of this, I had a late start in terms of dating. I wasn’t married by 25 as Matthew Lush wishes he was, and find myself a 30 year old gay man living in one of the gayest cities in the world, San Francisco, and I’m not only single, but also have never even had a second date. I also have a vast history of depression, and suicidal ideations and even attempts. Hell someone even wrote a paper on my mental breakdowns as part of their doctorate. So, Matthew Lush, how is advocating a gay man at age 30 who is unmarried / partnered / single to kill himself in any way beneficial?

Matthew Lush is an advocate of gay suicide. He himself said that he would kill himself. So, Matthew Lush, would you like to drive me to the Golden Gate Bridge so that I can kill myself? I’m sure someone will return the favor on your 30th birthday if you are single.

#ItGetsWorse

(Images courtesy of Feast of Fun and BeforeiForget respectively)