Sometimes Diet Isn't Enough

1lbfatAs long as I can remember…which more likely the first I had ever heard of it, I’ve always wanted to have liposuction. Growing up I never fit in the regular sized clothes…I remember my mom buying me size huskies. In 4th grade I got a new notepad which said, “lil chubby” on the front since it was small and thick…and showed it to my teacher, who literally said, “a fat little notebook for a fat little kid.”

That was one of the most devastating days of my life emotionally…and I will never forget it until the day I die.

I never really had a good childhood. I grew up being made fun of and picked on all throughout elementary and middle school. I went to a high school full of nerds, called the Center for Advanced Technologies where no one knew me and I could start over fresh. I wasn’t picked on…I became anorexic for a summer and dropped a ton of weight, and had a pretty successful stream of girlfriends (although I didn’t lose my virginity until after high school).

Fast forward 10 years later. I ballooned upwards of 245lbs and was above 200 for a number of years. My body type (apparently) and years of not eating right had expanded my body in ways I am not proud of. I literally don’t go swimming, and in the rare case I do, I wear a shirt. I try to make it a point to leave my shirt on during sex. I wear black every day to hide what horrific scenes lie under my shirt.

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I’m a mess….I hate how I look. I want to be able to go to an even with my friends…take off my shirt, dance, and feel free. I can’t do that without the fear of feeling different and having people look at me and think how ugly my body is.

I also can’t afford liposuction or what I really now want, a full body tuck (belt lipectomy). I have a stomach that won’t go away and love handles which would be corrected by such a surgery. At my lowest weight ever I was at 145 a few months ago when I was seeing a personal trainer, but still couldn’t shake the excess fat stored from when I used to be 100 pounds heavier. So…

Homeless-in-SF-02

I’ve decide to stop going out so much, stop spending my money on frivolously things and save every dime which I don’t need to live on towards a surgery which is estimated to cost between $13k-$20k. I’m not sure how much anyone has followed my life, but rent is one of the most frivolous expenses to me. I’ve moved into my car twice in my life, once for over a year. I have no problem living that lifestyle (even though I don’t have a car anymore…meaning I would literally be on the streets), so I am going to put in my 30 day notice (which I pre-paid my last month when I moved in) to my landlord at the end of the month and move out. I plan on saving every dime I make, getting a second job, and in the hopes that in maybe 6-8 months I can afford the procedure.

This is something I need to do for myself mentally as much as physically; I don’t think I will ever get over my hatred of my body until I do. I have a friend who has offered to let me store a box full of my stuff that I don’t sell at his place, and I plan on downgrading my life significantly for the time being. Hopefully, if everything works out sometime around the new year I will be a new thinner, more average man. I don’t want to fear being shirtless anymore.

10 thoughts on “Sometimes Diet Isn't Enough

  1. Nick you need a home. Homeless people have bellies too! – Why not start by seeing a counselor on a sliding scale?

  2. Yeah well I don’t want to be that person…I am in NO WAY a bear and don’t want to ever be perceived that way. I lost 100lbs and want to be free to show off my body and be proud of it, not embarrassed of what others will think.

  3. Nick. Why do you Twitter that no one loves you or cares
    bc you’re about to be homeless?

    You’re not homeless bc you lost a job

    YOUR choice
    YOUR decision

    no one can feel sorry for that. It’s what YOU want

    I bet if you lost your job and became homeless people would care. You want this. No one will support you and let you mooch bc you asked for this.

    I bet you expected more but it’s not gonna happen
    sorry.

  4. I could not effectively respond here as just a comment so I blogged about it.

    I would invite others to visit and read comment there if you want but keep in mind this is where we really should be commenting….

    Thanks for the chance to contribute…

    turnipHed

    http://bit.ly/4uk4YP

  5. You honestly consider rent a frivolous expense? Wow.

    What you will find, since you clearly haven’t dealt with your emotional issues, is that after the procedure, when you look in the mirror, you’ll always see that fat little kid. Having the “right” body won’t make you happy.

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