"It's A Good Thing You Did It While You Are Young"

Those are the words I heard the plastic surgeon said Friday when I went for my consult. I explained that I had lost 100lbs starting January 2008 and got to 160 by Pride (end of June) last year, and have maintained a weight in the 150-140s ever since then. He explained that it was a good thing that I lost the weight when my body is still young enough to heal and not be so stretched out.

If I would of let myself go and not lost the weight when I did, I might be left with more extreme measures, but as it turns out my procedure won’t even be THAT major. Now any time you go under the knife it is a big and life threatening experience, but I don’t need a a belt lipectomy, I just need a simple tummy tuck. The surgeon will remove an amount of skin from the top of my belly button down to my public hair from hip bone to hip bone. The skin from my chest will then be pulled down and reattached to the lower part, thus making a flatter, tighter toroso.

Sounds sort of painful, but it is something that I’ve wanted for years.

I explained where I work and what I wanted out of the procedure. He even tried to explain to me that if I got lipo on my sides and chest that the results would be less than desirable and I would end up with flappy areas of skin. I was shocked that he wasn’t trying to “upsell” me, but rather turned me away with good reason on certain procedures.

The cost for this surgery will be signifigantly less than the full lower body lift I had origionally thought of. He is going to mail me a full quote, and I am going to see another few doctors for other opinions, but he extimated his fee at $5,000, the hospital fee of $1,300 plus $300/hour, and the anesthesiologist fee of $150/hour. I am thinking the cost will be around $7,000-$9,000 (which seems to be the average on most local doctor’s sites I’ve seen).

I still don’t have the funds for the surgery, and with my paycheck as it is this week, and with all the Pride activities, iPhone 3GS purchase, etc I won’t be able to afford my rent this month, so my plans of moving out are unchanged. In order to save up the needed $7,000 minimum, I estimate 3 1/2 months if I didn’t spend a single dime, but more likely 5-6 months living without an apartment.

Any help that you can provide will be appreciated. I will have donation buttons on the site soon, and if you have a sleeping bag, pillow, side project, part time job, an Atkins friendly meal, or place to let me crash for a night or two it would be GREATLY appreciated. It is going to be a long ~6 months, but I hope to make the best of it, and can’t wait to see the results of my dedication and efforts. The doctor took before shots, and I will see about taking some myself and posting the progress.

I also will be working out quite a bit more, and concentrating on my upper chest to get that in a presentable condition so that by the time I have my surgery I will feel comfortable with my shirt off at the beach, pool, or at some circuit party. I’ve ALWAYS wanted to go to Gus Presents Underworld party (I have a huge underwear fettish), but been too scared to with my current looks. Underworld will be the first event I go to post surgery healing with my new toroso. I am so excited and can’t wait for what the future has in store.

P.S. The picture of the before/after is not me, but a picture from the surgeon I saw today’s site.

"You Don't Need Surgery, You Need Therapy"

How many freaking times am I going to have to hear this? From people on Facebook, Twitter, in person, on here…etc. It literally makes me upset when people say this. Let me explain why for those of you who OBVIOUSLY don’t know me.

My ENTIRE life I have been overweight, fat, picked on, teased, mocked, etc. My parents in 2nd grade started to take me to a therapist to talk about the bullies at school. This was not the first nor the last time I was in a shrink’s chair.

Throughout grade school I saw another doctor or two for talk therapy…the only thing which stopped the bullies and the people picking on me was moving to a school where no one knew me, and I could start over fresh.

After high school I became even more suicidal and depressed. I moved to Alabama with this girl I was seeing, but didn’t really like when I was around age 21. When we separated and she stole all the money out of my bank account, I walked in front of a Semi only to be saved by my room mate. My parents came up and brought me back home to stay with them. A few days later my mom tells me that she called bill collectors and made payment arrangements for me…something I didn’t ask her to do, nor did I ever plan on paying them back. I didn’t know what to say so I gave her the silent treatment on the ride home from work.

She called both my psychologist and psychiatrist which I started to see and they had me put in the mental ward as they thought I had blanked out like I did when I walked in front of the semi. I hadn’t and was just mad at my mom…now was even more pissed b/c she got me locked up for about 3 weeks.

This wasn’t the first nor the last trip to the mental ward. There were numerous trips over the next few months & years. I saw more doctors outside of the hospital…I tried so many combinations of pills all of which had no effect on me or my mental state. Talk therapy didn’t work…locking me up didn’t work (I literally escaped on 2 or 3 occasions…once I got so far as to hop in a cab in the hospital parking lot, but the rush of hospital workers pouring out of the hospital to try to get me stopped the cabbie.)

I have been so screwed up for my entire life. Hell the New York Times even published a story of my suicidal ideations in relation to Twitter. I’ve been in and out of mental wards, in and out of so many doctors couches for therapy my entire life…it just doesn’t help.

Since moving to San Francisco and being able to feel free about who I am and come out, I have been healthier…mentally and physically. I lost 100lbs since I moved out here and have really only had one major suicidal outbreak, although the thought still plagues my thoughts most nights.

As I mentioned before…as long as I knew of such a thing, I wanted weight loss surgery. I LOST 100 POUNDS ON MY OWN…BY GOING TO THE GYM AND EATING RIGHT. I am sick of people telling me, “just go to the gym” or “just eat right” …I FUCKING DO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have 100 pounds of weight loss to prove it you assholes. I now also have skin left over from being overweight my entire fucking life. I want to get rid of that, and I need to (both for my physical state, but also for my mental state).

So don’t fucking tell me to just go to the gym or start dieting…I have…and don’t tell me to just seek help…it doesn’t work. I will live my own life, you live yours.

Sometimes Diet Isn't Enough

As long as I can remember…which more likely the first I had ever heard of it, I’ve always wanted to have liposuction. Growing up I never fit in the regular sized clothes…I remember my mom buying me size huskies. In 4th grade I got a new notepad which said, “lil chubby” on the front since it was small and thick…and showed it to my teacher, who literally said, “a fat little notebook for a fat little kid.”

That was one of the most devastating days of my life emotionally…and I will never forget it until the day I die.

I never really had a good childhood. I grew up being made fun of and picked on all throughout elementary and middle school. I went to a high school full of nerds, called the Center for Advanced Technologies where no one knew me and I could start over fresh. I wasn’t picked on…I became anorexic for a summer and dropped a ton of weight, and had a pretty successful stream of girlfriends (although I didn’t lose my virginity until after high school).

Fast forward 10 years later. I ballooned upwards of 245lbs and was above 200 for a number of years. My body type (apparently) and years of not eating right had expanded my body in ways I am not proud of. I literally don’t go swimming, and in the rare case I do, I wear a shirt. I try to make it a point to leave my shirt on during sex. I wear black every day to hide what horrific scenes lie under my shirt.

I’m a mess….I hate how I look. I want to be able to go to an even with my friends…take off my shirt, dance, and feel free. I can’t do that without the fear of feeling different and having people look at me and think how ugly my body is.

I also can’t afford liposuction or what I really now want, a full body tuck (belt lipectomy). I have a stomach that won’t go away and love handles which would be corrected by such a surgery. At my lowest weight ever I was at 145 a few months ago when I was seeing a personal trainer, but still couldn’t shake the excess fat stored from when I used to be 100 pounds heavier. So…

I’ve decide to stop going out so much, stop spending my money on frivolously things and save every dime which I don’t need to live on towards a surgery which is estimated to cost between $13k-$20k. I’m not sure how much anyone has followed my life, but rent is one of the most frivolous expenses to me. I’ve moved into my car twice in my life, once for over a year. I have no problem living that lifestyle (even though I don’t have a car anymore…meaning I would literally be on the streets), so I am going to put in my 30 day notice (which I pre-paid my last month when I moved in) to my landlord at the end of the month and move out. I plan on saving every dime I make, getting a second job, and in the hopes that in maybe 6-8 months I can afford the procedure.

This is something I need to do for myself mentally as much as physically; I don’t think I will ever get over my hatred of my body until I do. I have a friend who has offered to let me store a box full of my stuff that I don’t sell at his place, and I plan on downgrading my life significantly for the time being. Hopefully, if everything works out sometime around the new year I will be a new thinner, more average man. I don’t want to fear being shirtless anymore.